Some retirement jokes and quotes are that retirement is the world's longest coffee break and that retirement brings the challenge of learning how to spend time without spending money. Another joke tells the story of an old woman arrested for shoplifting whose husband encourages the judge to send her to jail. In addition, one retirement joke makes a list of ways a person knows he is retired, for example that it takes two tries to get up from the couch.
Many retirement jokes relate to work, such as one joke that says it is best for a person to start thinking about his retirement before his boss starts thinking about the person's retirement. Another work-related retirement joke asks what a professional gardener does during retirement. On the list of the ways a person knows he is retired is that the person's idea of a night out is sitting out on the patio. In addition, a person might be retired if his teeth sleep in a different location than where he sleeps. Similarly, one retirement joke says that it only takes one retired person to change a light bulb but that it might take him all day to complete the task.
In one retirement joke, law enforcement arrests a woman for shoplifting. The woman stole a can of peas. The judge sentences her to nine days in jail because the can of peas had nine peaches. At that point, the woman's husband raises his hand and tells the judge that the woman also stole a can of peas.