Some funny quotes for the new year include, "First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you," by F. Scott Fitzgerald, and "I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home," by W.C. Fields. Nia Vardalos said, My New Year's resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 300 pounds.
Another funny quote, this time said by P.J. O'Rourke is, "The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk, you kiss the person you're married to."
Jon Stewart once said, "What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square. It's a lot quieter than regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, 'Sup?'"
Mark Twain's New Year's quote is, "New Year's Day. Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week, you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Comedian Bill Vaughan said, "Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
Finally, Joey Adams said, "May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.