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There are 3 “phases” of grief: 1) shock and denial, 2) great emotion, 3) acceptance, reorganization and integration.
The bulk of grief work is done in the middle phase which is where all the emotional turmoil takes place.
Phase One: Shock and Disbelief
Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not.
To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it.
Phase Two: Review and Painful Relinquishment
If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief.
Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on.
This can be maddening, but it is necessary to review the relationship in order to work through it and be over it. Thinking about them constantly does not mean that you can’t get over it, it means that you are getting over it. While it can be crazy-making, the constant rumination is about letting go, not holding on. Yes it will drive you crazy but just know that the healing process DEMANDS that you play the movie in your head over and over again to sift through the ruins. To cry about the good times, to get angry (again) about the bad times, to wonder where it all went wrong. Yes, this phase is HARD and it HURTS but its necessary. Don’t think that just because you can’t think of anything else that there is anything wrong with you or that you’ll never get over it. You will.
During this time journal about it, talk about it, walk the floors and wring your hands, curse the process but let it happen. Avoid getting in touch with the ex to share any little insightful nuggets you may come up with. It’s not worth it and it only postpones the process.
Devastation
Let’s go back to the breakup scene. The person you are in love with, and whom you thought was in love with you, says it’s over. Even if it was expected, even if you were not getting along, even if you knew there was a chance that things were not going to work out, you are devastated.
If you did not see it coming, you’re even more devastated. If it ended because they cheated on you, or they lied to you, or they abused you in some way, it’s even more devastating. Even if some of those traumatic scenes did not happen to you, do not minimize your feelings. Do not say, “Oh, but it didn’t happen in a bad way.” It happened the way it happened, and it hurts, and that’s all you need to know. Do not rationalize or justify your feelings away. Your feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Let them be.
If you are feeling your feelings, you might feel devastated and unable to cope. You feel deep sorrow and searing emotional pain whether or not the breakup was a good thing or not. Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not.
Disorganization and Confusion
After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings.
Grieving causes confusion and disorganization. For the grief process to be successful, emotion must be expressed, and the disorganization and confusion tolerated as a normal response. Be gentle with yourself during these many iterations of the grief process. Allow the normal and natural grief process to happen. It is an ultimately healing process and you will be glad you went through it.
The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion. Recognize that you are accident-prone, and take care, especially when driving. People should not drive drunk, but often they should not drive when they are grieving. You might not be okay to drive on a day-to-day basis, or some days might be worse than others. Recognize when you’re not capable of driving, and be responsible toward yourself and toward others on the road. They didn’t do anything to you; they don’t deserve to be hurt because you’re not being responsible.
There will be days when your mind feels fuzzy, like you have a mental flu or something. You might find yourself unable to remember things. You might miss appointments or forget important matters. Write things down. Keep your schedule light. Realize you’re going through something and don’t chastize yourself for being forgetful. Try to put some reminders in place and don’t overload your schedule. Be gentle with yourself.
Anger
After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Feeling the anger is okay. Acting on the anger is not. You can and should acknowledge your anger, own your anger, write about your anger, talk about your anger and eventually it will dissipate. What you should not do is act out or lash out in anger. That is not okay.
If you try to repress your anger because you think that your anger is “unacceptable” or “bad” or “wrong” it will manifest itself in other ways. Some people refuse to acknowledge anger but go through life taking it out on other people, acting irritated all the time, being prone to bad moods and acting generally foul and bitter. These are all variations of unexpressed anger. If you have been going through life in an unexplained sour mood, you may have anger issues.
Facing the anger for the first time may result in not just feeling angry, but feeling rageful. Acknowledging your losses and your anger can be overwhelming. It’s good to acknowledge it and let it out but not to TAKE IT OUT on anyone. Be mindful when you are driving or interacting with other people that you are angry and don’t take your anger out on the wrong people. That is NOT okay. It’s not even okay to take it out on the person who is the reason for your anger. Your anger belongs to you. Own it. Deal with it.
These are ways to deal with anger:
1. Write to the people you are angry with, including your parents and former lovers, just make sure you don’t send the letters.
2. Talk to friends.
3. Talk to your therapist.
4. Hit a heavy bag.
5. Smash old dishes.
6. Exercise.
There is an expression that depression is anger turned inward. Conversely, anger is often sadness turned outward. After you express anger you may feel incredibly sad and exhausted. Working out anger often leads to sadness and visa versa. Know that sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin.
Guilt
Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it.
There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive. Everyone makes mistakes, and if you made a really horrible mistake, if you did something really terrible, doing this work and healing yourself and taking responsibility for your actions is the most important form of amends that you can make to yourself and others.
Dwelling on the past is not going to change things. Obsessing about trying to change things, or being guilty, is keeping you from your work. Even if you could change it, it’s over. Deal with that.
Searching
After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search.
Even people who have experienced the death of a loved one experience the urge to search. They will look for a deceased person in a crowd or find themselves dialing them on the phone. This is a normal and natural part of the grief process where the mind tries to suspend reality and put things back the way it was.
When the person is alive and there was a breakup, this is often when people will try to open up communications with the ex. Recognize that the urge to search is part of the grieving process and you should not act on it. When you are pining and searching, you are in a temporary state and anything you say now can and will be held against you at a later date.
It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do SOMETHING but don’t connect.
The desire to search for and recover that which has been lost is a very primal desire and it feels like a compulsion or an impulse that must be acted upon. Don’t do it. It’s not going to help. Tolerate the searching feelings without reaching back. It gets better if you don’t give into the searching behavior. Sit with it and know that it passes and that it gets better.
You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends.
You can get through the feelings. It’s all just temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS.
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The next phase: Click here to read about Acceptance, Reorganization and Integration
This post was. My girlfriend of six months left me abut two and half months ago and I found this site shortly after. While six months is not long, the break up was devastating for me. This post may be your best yet Susan because it is almost like you are talking directly to me. I slipped up a few times early on (contacting the ex and pathetically begging her to take me back), but everything and every step you mention in this post, I have gone through. The initial shock, the anger, the guilt, the confusion, the hope she would come back.
I am just about there and not seeing or talking to her for two months has helped. I unconsciously think about her less and less everyday and have begun to enjoy what I used to enjoy before meeting her again. It still hurts like hell when I do think about her, but I am getting there.
Thanks Susan!
One of the best posts I’ve ever seen on dealing with a breakup. My exboyfriend of 6 months and I split up almost 2 months ago. I’ve been through all these stages. Now not only I accept it’s over, but I think it’s the best option. He didn’t treat me well during the last two months and now I’m feeling angry. That’s the only feeling left. I feel I didn’t defend myself when he treated me so unfairly and even cruelly, and on top of that I took all the blame. Some days I feel like writing a letter with all the grievances and tell him how screwed up he is. But then I think it would take me hours to write such letter and that it’s more productive to concentrate on my own projects, on the life I want to create for myself, and on chainging myself, my confidence in my own perceptions. If I write and send the letter I would still be looking for validation, and that is exactly what made me take the last two bad months. It’s great that the article lets you know that all those thoughts and behaviors that make you feel you’re not progressing are actually part of getting over it. Thank you Susan!!!
Susan, you’re a God-send. Thank you so much for writing this–you have no idea how much it has helped me. One question: my ex and I attend the same church and so I see her from time to time there and at other events where we share friends and when I do, I feel this well-spring of emotions overcome me inside and I feel like I am moving backwards. Should I avoid this church service or just see her, and do my best to avoid her without being rude (that is difficult I find)? I also have the option of going to a different service but my other friends attend this one so I would prefer not too–plus, it is the most convenient time for me. Thanks for your recommendations.
Pete
This information is just what I need. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up a week ago today after 4 years and I am having a hard time dealing with it. The break up was not unexpected but I can’t seem to stop thinking about how to make things right. It helped for the first few days to talk with her, but I am finding it even harder to deal with now. This information was blunt and to the point with no false hopes created that the relationship can work out. Thanks a lot. This information will be put to good use and read a few times over the first few days.
Susan,
After many days of denial, reading your website was just what my sister needed to do to get her life back on track. She was pretending to be fine…I think you call this “minimization”..but now she is on track to go through all three phases of grief. Thank you for helping her make this very important transformation. A few dishes have been broken in the process…but it was all well worth it.
Best for your work in the future,
K
Susan,
Thank you so much for all of this advice. My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me a few days ago. I guess i could see it coming because we both thought that it would happen(some people didn’t like us together) but i didn’t think that it would end the way that he made it end. I had been wondering what was going to happen after that break-up and i wanted to know what i was really going through. I found it all! Thank you so much, it’s just what i needed.
Susan,
What you said here really touched my feelings. Me and my girlfriend had been together for 2 years 4months. I noticed things starting to head downhill at around the 2 year mark…We broke up 3 weeks ago, still deeply in love with each other. Up until yesterday, we were both in denial, seeing each other, being intimate, acting as though its ok to act like this, but it hit me like a brick one night on the way home. What we are doing isnt right. I told her we need to break up for real, and now i come to find out she is talking to another person in a dating way. Is that her way of grieving? We both dont doubt that we love each other truely, and i feel the urge to one day try to rekindle this love…is it possible? Mind you, im still in the very first days of this long and grueling process, i just want a concrete answer, not false hope. Maybe months apart will do us good, but will there ever be another chance of us being together again…
My girlfriend of five years told me a few days ago that she doesn’t love me that way anymore and that she wants our relationship to end. But at the same time, she wants us to be as close as before minus the romantic parts, as we are the best of friends. I don’t want to stay away from her because that would be a betrayal on my part as her best friend but I think I won’t be able to escape feeling the pain when I’m with her, knowing that things are not the same anymore and that I’ve lost part of her. She insists I’ve not lost her but how can that be? My status in her life has changed forever. Unlike before where I have exclusivity in my relationship with her, I will now have to face insecurities and live with the fear of losing her even as a best friend and soulmate. The question of what happens to me if she meets a new love interest is never far from my thoughts. Will she find a new best friend and soulmate in her new love? I’m worried I’ll turn into a possessive friend who is always suspicious of whether my best friend has found someone else but is not telling me. I’ll be living a life of fear, always fearing and bracing for the end of this great time. I’ve learnt that love is an illusion that only serves to hurt in the end. It gives you a few moments of great joy but brings a lifetime of suffering. It’s the most dangerous drug known to us.
This would have been very helpful 18 years ago.
I went through all of that 18 years ago. It’s all real.
I’m glad to have found this. Wisdom redefined.
I was heart broken mid June when my love of 2 1/2 years decided that he didn’t love me like he used to, and couldn’t see us having a future together. My heart still hurts - even though some days are easier than others. last week was good- this week, terrible. I can’t quit remembering all the things we did, being with him and his family (which I miss terribly!) and just that I’ll just be ‘another one’ to him… It’s heart wentching! I can be strong, happy, and dealing and build myself up, and the next hour, I’m weeping again. I know these steps are necessary, but it gets tiring having to keep youself so strong all the time. There is another cause of my on-going pain; we work together. (please, I don’t need anybody else telling me how wrong that was even to get involved… I’ve heard it!!!) I’m searching for another job, but it’s taken some time. It makes me angry, too, that I’m taking this ‘out’, when I really want to tell him HE should be the one getting the new job and out of my life every day!
AGain, I know the only way out of the pain is ‘through’, but it just seems so unfair, that I was the one who wasn’t wanted anymore…
[...] Last Phase of Grief: Reorganization, Integration and Acceptance In the “Emotions of Grief After A Breakup” post, I said that there are three phases of grief. In that post I wrote about the first two because [...]
Thank you so much for this info. I was in a relationship for 12 years and have 2 children with my ex. We separated in Feb. 2006 (after being unhappy for at least a year) but remained in constant contact (even aside from the children) and talked about possibly getting back together. Two weeks ago, I found out that he has been seeing someone for four years and loves the woman. I am of course devastated and am going through so many of the stages that you mention above. It helps to know that everything I am feeling is normal i.e., constantly wanting to talk to him to figure our what went wrong, being angry at him (I read your posting too late and already took out my anger at him in a phone call), etc.
Your posting gives me hope that I can and will make it through this and that it is normal to not “get over it” as quickly as people think I should since we were already separated.
Thank you.
Thank you for this post. I’m sure it sounds crazy, but this is what I’ve been going through as I work through feelings of grief for my therapist. I developed an incredibly intense emotional attachment to him during therapy that was only made worse afterwards because I kept seeing him through mutual friends, community activities, and I also communicated with him through email. I have been feeling awful, worse than even before I started therapy, because the longing to be near this person is so intense, and I never felt that close or safe with anyone in my life before. Also, he did so much for me, and he seems to feel strongly about many of the same things I do, so I keep thinking I won’t be able to find anyone else like him. I know this wasn’t technically a “breakup”, but it sure feels similar to what you’re describing. I will try to keep this stuff in mind and also force myself not to write to him anymore.
Jane
Jane, it doesn’t sound crazy but it also sounds as if your therapist did not have good boundaries with you. From what you’re writing here, it sounds like you weren’t really safe. If he is allowing the relationship to continue in email, that’s not safe.
Take care of you, do your work around this and please take some time to go to another therapist and talk about this with them (hopefully a female). I don’t know the situation but it sounds like there might be major transference/counter transference issues here and its something that should be dealt with. Good luck and thanks for stopping by.
Thank you for the truth, and the gentleness in which you wrote it.
In December my partner ended our 17 year relationship, I’m still in a mess. Alot of what you have said in your post I have went through but I think I am still in limbo and can’t move on. He hasn’t officially came out and told me we are over yet but since I haven’t heard or seem him since December and also due to the fact that he has been seeing someone else (which I now believe he was seeing before we split up) I think it is safe to think we’re over. I think about him every minute I don’t go out anymore, I lost all my friends as they were mutual friends I go to work and come home that’s all. I can’t find enjoyment in anything anymore and don’t know how to get past this, it’s been 8 months and I thought it would have got a little easier to deal with by now but it hasn’t. I don’t know who I am without him, and I avoid going to shops etc where i might see him as I am totally terrified to death of meeting him as I think it would kill me. I feel completely alone and isolated but I shall try to remember your advice and hope that some day soon I’ll see some light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks.
its all come as such a shock to me. an engagement and a relationship for 5 years is now over. i didnt see it coming, and it’s knocked me for six. he admitted he didnt love me and hes been cheating on me (3 times infact). i feel so blind and i keep blaming myself - even though he was the one who cheated. we were school sweethearts and now i just feel so vulnerable and alone. ive isolated myself from my family and even my friends, i can’t face any of them. he said he wanted to be friends, but he also said he wants to know what its like with another woman. kick me whilst im down heh? the pain is so intense, ive lost a stone in a week and i think iv’e developed an eating disorder. i dont know what to do. iv’e broken contact from him for a week now, but its so hard. i blame myself constantly. i just want the pain to end. please help.
I was amazed to read your analysis and I can identify with everything you are describing. My problem is that I had a sequence of failed relationship (starting with my very first one, which kind of set a pattern for all that followed), and have become something like a ’serial griever’ or something. There is so much accumulated pain that life for me became unbearable. I also noticed that, while I have intenese feelings of grief (and all elements of it you describe) and have intense experience of my inner world, i will often feel completely numb to things happening on the outside. I find some of my emotional reactions completely inappropriate, and at times even feel like I am losing touch with reality (quite literally; I catch myself talking or laughing to myself on the bus, or while I am walking on the street, I have developped some habits that very much resemble obssessive compulsive behavior etc.) I just wish the pain would stop, but at this point I see no end, and I think I am only growing weaker. Thank you for your post, though, it does help some when all is laid out in wrting like that.
(I apologize for any bad spelling or grammar, I am not a native speaker of English)
Thank you for writing this. My boyfriend of two years unexpectedly decided to split with me just today and I am at total loss of what to do. As it was the first time I’d been in love it was very comforting to know that I’m not alone in the way I feel (which is mostly just numbness and utter shock at the moment). Thank you for giving me a glimpse of optimism for the future as I could certainly not have had this without you.
This text is such a morale booster for me. I am trying to deal with not exactly a breakup, but a heartbreak of what I thought was a promising relationship–after 15 years of sporadically running into each other. I’m starting to heal–very, very slowly.
I wish my boyfriend had actually “broken up”. He just started avoiding me, not responding ect. I was lost. I told myself that I was overreacting that we were probably fine, but all of my instincts told me it was over. The fact that he never came out and said “goodbye, it’s over”, made it so much more humiliating and me feel so worthless. But it does get better, every day, even if it’s just a little.
Hi Jillian,
His inability to man-up and end the relationship has nothing to do with you. He is a coward. It’s all about him and his issues and problems.
Don’t take his cowardice personally. Just be glad to be rid of this spineless person. Do your work and come out on the other side. You can do this! Best of luck to you.
Thank you Susan!
This starts my day with a smile - you’re right - there is no future with someone who is a coward, he’ll deal with all his difficult issues by running and hiding - won’t he?
Best wishes and Thank YOU!
My Girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me this past July. I wanted to continue the relationship, we both love(d)? eachother very much, but she didn’t think that with her intense time commitments from her rigorous college she would be able to hold up her end of the relationship. In retrospect, she hadn’t been as intimate or generous with her time/self the entire last 6 months of our relationship. (Part of me wants to think that she had stopped loving me, and the other part hopes she was genuinely busy and distracted.)
The Irony is that earlier in our relationship we were both proud of how we had cooperated and worked hard to make time for eachother through our busy schedules. I’ve got a pair of notes seperated by two years that say exactly the opposite thing: “Thank you for staying…” and “I’m sorry we have to end this…”
I have been cycling through grief stages for the past 3+ months, and each time I go through them, they seem less intense than before, but tonight I was able to read the breakup messages and the only thing I felt was pitty for her, because she did love me and she was genuinely sorry for having to end our relationship.
I’ve been very angry with her, and I guess I’ve tried to vilify her in my own mind. I’ve tried to make her out to be the cowardly, cold, man-hater. Is that normal? The more important question is: is it healthy? I’m afraid that if I start to break down my defenses that I will remember how “great” she was and the repeat the grief cycle again. It’s hard not to “hate” her, but it’s even harder not to fall in love with her again.
(It’s also difficult not to wonder what will happen when we’re both done with college. If we got back together, would she put her carrier before Me/Us again?)
Thank you for your helpfull and wonderful articles.
Mike–I relate to your description about going through the cycles more than once. Sometimes we really do have to cycle through grief repeatedly until it is out of our system. If we are willing to do that and not avoid it, we really do heal. think if you keep cycling through the grief stages, you will reach a point where you do not hate her OR fall in love with her all over again. That is how it worked for me in my last breakup. The grief was intense for me as much old (unresolved) grief came up. I grieved a bunch of stuff at once and cycled through the stages many times. It was an intense time this past spring and part of the summer, but it was worth it. Don’t judge your feelings as you cycle through–they won’t last forever and they are trying to help you let it all go.
Kathy
Thank you very very much Kathy. I’ve been trying to connect with people that have grieved before so they can help me through this process, and it has helped a lot. I’m in a calm part of my cycle (wow that sounded more feminine than I intended) and it feels nice to not feel strongly either way about her right now.
Dear Susan,
Thanks alot for taking the time to write that massive piece of blog. Even though I might only be 16 years old, I did indeed recognize just about everything you wrote about. Breaking up at this age might be different then as being an adult, or maybe it isn’t, but it’s certain that after reading this blog I can actually view at myself from a different perspective and move on in life. I’m still young.
Thanks again,
~Stonetotem (I’d rather not give out my real name)
Stone, thanks for being here. I wish I knew then (at 16) what I know now! Hope it help you avoid some of the hard lessons a lot of us had to go through!
Hey All, its me again! I have had some time this weekend, after just joining, to post various comments on what I think. I have found some time to read just about everything on this website thus far, and if I could offer some more advice, I would be glad to do so, I know, even though I am 27, some of you may think I do not have that much experience, but I keep on learning every day and have learned alot from my own experiences as well as from others, I have had the opportunity to meet many people (including some from various countries around the world), so I incorportate my own thoughts, my education and other people’s experiences into what I have to say.
Here are my thoughts based off of particular situations I have read from people’s exprience from this site:
About the girl who was down to 98 pounds, I would suggest that you stop and look at yourself, you are becoming unhealthy and you are “withering” away like a dying rose. Little do know how beautiful of a flower you really are. You need to replenish yourself, put nutrients back into your body, and you need to grow again. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, it is never too late to grow again!!
About the girl who wanted to possibly end her life: DO NOT DO IT!! You are much better than that. I have read a book about suicide, and it is NOT the answer. You need to contact someone immediately and let them know about how you are feeling. She said that she did not want to get help, felt too ashamed, then go for help to someone else, there has got to be SOMEONE!! Listen, I heard once on the radio about a preacher talking and he said that when we die, we leave with the same feelings we had when we were alive, another words, if we are depressed and angry, when we die we still leave with depression and anger. Of course, this is only a belief, so you can choose whether you want to believe it or not. SUICIDE is NOT the answer, it is NOT the way out!
For those of you with children, please think of them and the caretaker you need to be, the parent that you need to be. They CANNOT take care of themselves! (trust me on that). There are numerous stories out there with divorce and children involved and how people DO get over it and move on. Two examples I have: 1st story: My brother got a divorce 5 years ago and he was devastated, his ex-wife cheated and they have two little kids. She kicked him out and he lost everything. The reason why I know he was devastated, because he moved in with my mom and I was living at home at the time too (working my way through a community college) and I saw his depression and pain everyday, everyday he slept on the couch and would not barely get up and barely eat. He did not want to see his kids at first, he felt like a terrible dad. With TIME he GRADUALLY got better. He got a different job, started getting rewarded at his job, started making connections with some old friends for support and gradually got better. He SWORE up and down that he would NEVER move in with some girl again and get serious, well, guess what, he NOW lives in a house with his new girlfriend of 1.5 years, and lives close to my mom’s. She has a little boy too and so my niece and nephew have someone to play with. He is doing MUCH better now. 2ND story: I just watched a show last night on the History channel about a husband and wife who were missionaries and they got held hostage in the Phillipines for over a year. The husband ended up getting shot, from a surprise attack and now she lives without him and their 3 kids, now without a father. I think it would be reasonable to compare loosing someone to a breakup, kind of like loosing someone that has died. You think they are gone forever. Listen, there are ways to get through this, read this site, seek professional help if needed, join support groups. My sister died in a car accident in 1996, I lost my best friend, she was forever gone. She is in my dreams now. The pain is real, you need to feel it, you will not be healed over night. It takes time and you need to allow yourself that time!
For those of you, like me, who have had 2 year to 4 month relationships, read my other posts, that may help you. I felt everything that you are feeling.
Lastly, I agree with Susan on staying NO FRIENDS with the other person. I stayed friends for 2 years with this last person that I recently decided “NO CONTACT” anymore. He and I were like best friends, met here in MI in summer of 2005 and then he moved away to start his private practice in Colorado (he is a dentist). I really thought we were “soul mates”, that I had finally found “the one”. However, by staying friends, I only harbored the feelings and they grew and grew over time. I thought that maybe he felt the same about me, from our conversations on the phone/email and with a recent visit that he was planning, I thought maybe he wanted more. However, I find out that that probably was not the case. Now, I am left with losts of questions and pain and sadness. BUT I feel myself getting better and I can recognize the feelings of grief and am gradually healing.
I hope this helps!
Take Care All,
“Coping in Michigan”
3 weeks ago the love of my life for 2 1/2 years left me for someone in one of her classes in college. The most horrible thing was after every time wed get into a small argument she would always say to me ” please don’t hurt me, I’ve been hurt too many times before” She was my first true love and her family took me in. it is totally out of character for her to do this and I am totally devastated. All I can think about is wanting to die. The thought of her being with someone else so fast after leaving me makes me sick to my stomach. I have barely been able to eat more than 1 meal a day for the past few weeks. Out relationship was long distance (about 3 hours apart) I never had a problem with it for I am a very patient person. I had lost my father to cancer when i was younger and was never able to really let the walls down for anyone to get close to me. When we met I was 23 and she was 19. I am 25 and she is 21 now and I have attempted avoiding contact with her but she IM’d me the other day saying how she misses me and then I can’t help but go off on her and tell her how I feel betrayed and back stabbed by her. i truly love this girl with all my heart and the time we’ve had together was so incredible. It is so much harder being so close with her family and all it is eating me alive. I just don’t feel like I can go on any longer like this. I have shut out all my friends and family. It’s so hard to be social and pretend am not miserable right now. I just feel like a total failure and wish I had done some things differently in our relationship. She always told me I was the best boyfriend shes ever had and she is(was) the most important person in my life. It is just so hard because I was never able to truly express how I feel abut her until it was too late. As of the past few months she has suffered from depression and has been on anti anxiety meds and sleeping medication. The last weekend we spent together ended in an argument because she didn’t agree with one of my hobbies (poker) which we would constantly argue about even though it is a great secondary source of income for me and I live in the city which is very expensive. Half of me was saying just give up the poker and make her happy, but the other half was saying If you give this up its just a matter of time before its something else I have to give up and it then becomes a controlling relationship. The day after that fight she said i need to think about things for a week and then said we should break up. Then after losing my mind for 2 days she calls back and admits to seeing someone else. The kicker is the following week she admits that she never cheated on me, (which I don’t know whether I can believe or not) but the guy left hes girlfriend to be with her. So now not only am I completely shocked, but the anger I am feeling is indescribable. This is not like her at all. She had been partying up at school with her roommates the last semester, going out drinking all the time she she smokes marijuana a lot too which I haven’t really had issues with. i just feel like I’ve lost my best friend in the entire world. I apologize for the long post, but my whole world is collapsing right now and I feel empty and alone.
I felt exactly the same way - empty and alone. Don’t worry about what she’s doing - focus on yourself and how everyday your getting a little better. You will be amazed at how strong you are - trust me, you will get through this. I never thought another man could replace what I thought was the love of my life. Yet here I am, in love, and thanking God that I had been free to meet him.
You have so much to look forward to! Believe it.
wow i really can’t believe everyone is going through the same thing as me! it’s amazing. my boyfriend (of 10 months) dumped me 2 months ago. just like all the other stories here, i was totally devastated. i went a whole month without talking to him and then talked to him. that “friendship” slowly devolved again. and he ended up saying “look, i’m a bad influence in your life” and voila, rejection all over again.
thank you so much for such a great entry. it is so true. i feel like the 2 month mark is totally the anger phase. that’s all i have left to deal with.
thank you, blogger. thank you, responders. it was very nice to read all of this.
[...] lol Top 10 Breakup Songs That Instill An Ironic Sense of Hope - Staff Top 10 - Stylus Magazine The Emotions of Grief During A Breakup Getting Past Your Past Breaking Up May Not Be As Hard As The Song [...]
Im 19 nowm and in my life I had a lot of girls.. but never a real one.
About a month ago I met this girl and she was awesome, incredible and always smily and happy to see me.
She was the one that wanted to start the relationship and the first one to tell me “I love u”.
I wasnt really sure to do this at first but then I realized how much I cared about her and actually LOVED HER.
About 2 weeks ago I felt she became cold towards me and she didnt wanna see me that much or even have sex that much.
Las weekend she just disappeared and didnt answer my calls or text messages. I saw her on monday and when we went up to her room, I saw she was different. I was trying to understand what happened but she wasnt really clear and suddently, she started crying and started telling me how amazing i was and I was such a great guy and that she was happy that I chose her.
The day after I went to the gym but once again she told me she needed some space for a while and that she wanted to go to the pool. After I worked out, I went up to her room and the door was unlocked, I could hear music coming from inside. I knocked and stepped in and what I saw just shocked me. She was standing up with her baiting suit on and a guy with just a towel around his waste was trying to hide somewhere. I flipped on her but I then realized how much I cared about her. She told me she messed up but she was scared on how things were going between us. Before meeting me, she was in a relationship for 2 years and she told me that she never felt that much love for a person in just a month and that she really regrets what she did.
I loved her.. so I told her I was ready to forgive her and that I didnt care what happened and I wanted to get back with her. The day after we went to dinner togheter and she kept saying she loved me and she was imagining our life in 10 years.
Well the day after that she told me she couldnt sleep cause she felt horrible for what she did to me and she needed sometime by herself without seeing any guy.
I still kept in touch with her and she told me to go out for dinner again yesterday evening and we were just acting like friends. at the end of the dinner she told me she was gonna go over our friends’ house and she was gonna call me when she got back.
Well guess what happened? She never called me back. I was talking with one of her friends and she told me she is still seeing that guy. But, the thing that shocked me the most is that the guy she went to chill with wasnt the guy I saw her cheating with that day.
I still feel she wants to spend time with me but I dont get why..
What should I do?
I forgot to mention that after she came back from that weekend she desappeared and started crying for no reason I even told her: Please tell me if there is any guy involved, I would understand me… just dont let me catch u doing something stupid..”
[...] you “Getting Past Your Past” blog. I came upon your site when researching how to get over the Grief of my parents. You help me [...]
Hi Susan
Thanks for this, It validates some of what I have been going through. My boyfriend of 1.5 years who I love to a ridiculous degree admitted to cheating on me a few times at the start of our relationship (early on but after we had agreed to being in a committed relationship). He has lied and lied since to cover this up, even though my suspicions have been driving me mad. The rest of our relationship has been amazing and if it weren’t for this we would be perfect for each other… but these are pretty big things.
I’ve been going through this cycle but can’t break contact because I haven’t found somewhere else to move to yet. I have to choose whether to try and make this work or not whilst going through everything you have described. The only contradiction to what you have written is that I have been taking my anger out on him - desperate for him to understand what he has done to me. He wants to do anything he can to make up for this and save the relationship but I don’t see how I can make decisions like that whilst going through the grief - not that the relationship is over, but that it wasn’t there in the beginning.
Your post helps though.
It’s very hard to grieve fully while still in the relationship, still in contact or still trying to decide if it’s going to work or not. Grieving can only be completed when it’s truly over.
I don’t understand what you are grieving when you are still trying to decide. Are you deciding not to decide? What are you trying to grieve? I’m not understanding th is.
You have to make your choice first and then grieve.
I’m not sure either, maybe its not grief!! But your article is exactly what I have been going through though.
Maybe grieving the loss of the perfect relationship I thought I had? Or maybe its just a reaction to the shock. Maybe I’m wrong and its not a shock because I was suspicious for so long anyway. I just can’t believe how consistently he has lied, not seeing what it was doing to me - he says he cares but he has done such awful things.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe its not grief, but whatever it is the symptoms are the same…..
My situation is that my boyfriend and I met and lived together for a time, but because of immigration issues, he had to return to his country. After he returned, we continued our relationship while he pursued obtaining a visa to return to the U.S. Unfortunately, in June his request was denied. Since that time, our communication greatly diminished as he told me he needed his “space”. I spoke with him yesterday and found that a couple months ago, he began seeing someone else and is in another relationship.
I am, therefore, just getting through the “denial” phase of my grief. Even though we have been physically separated for some time now, I held onto hope that somehow we would and could be together again. I suspected that he was trying to “move on” by limiting contact with me, but I just could not “not know” what was going on with him and how he was doing, even though I knew that the chances of his coming back were very slim.
I am not angry that he is moving on with his life and in another relationship. We cannot be together due to immigration policies and so I didn’t expect him to be alone for the rest of his life. But I feel so much pain, and sting, and jealousy — it should be ME. I love him so much still, and I am just now accepting — it is over. I have this strong need to stay in contact with him, but I know in my soul that, as this article suggests, it would only prolong my agony. My thoughts right now are 99% on this loss — I wake up thinking about it, I spend the day thinking about it, I go to sleep thinking about it, and then dream of him. I am just feeling so hopeless right now — and a part of me is angry at him that he has “moved on” so quickly while I am left alone to deal with this loss. I constantly feel like I am about to break out into tears and that someone is just standing on my chest — constant anxiety and depression. I have experienced grief before and I know that it subsides with time — the death of my mother was such an experience — but I had forgotten how absolutely maddening and miserable this experience is…
Im 19 nowm and in my life I had a lot of girls.. but never a real one.
About a month ago I met this girl and she was awesome, incredible and always smily and happy to see me.
She was the one that wanted to start the relationship and the first one to tell me “I love u”.
I wasnt really sure to do this at first but then I realized how much I cared about her and actually LOVED HER.
About 2 weeks ago I felt she became cold towards me and she didnt wanna see me that much or even have sex that much.
Las weekend she just disappeared and didnt answer my calls or text messages. I saw her on monday and when we went up to her room, I saw she was different. I was trying to understand what happened but she wasnt really clear and suddently, she started crying and started telling me how amazing i was and I was such a great guy and that she was happy that I chose her.
The day after I went to the gym but once again she told me she needed some space for a while and that she wanted to go to the pool. After I worked out, I went up to her room and the door was unlocked, I could hear music coming from inside. I knocked and stepped in and what I saw just shocked me. She was standing up with her baiting suit on and a guy with just a towel around his waste was trying to hide somewhere. I flipped on her but I then realized how much I cared about her. She told me she messed up but she was scared on how things were going between us. Before meeting me, she was in a relationship for 2 years and she told me that she never felt that much love for a person in just a month and that she really regrets what she did.
I loved her.. so I told her I was ready to forgive her and that I didnt care what happened and I wanted to get back with her. The day after we went to dinner togheter and she kept saying she loved me and she was imagining our life in 10 years.
Well the day after that she told me she couldnt sleep cause she felt horrible for what she did to me and she needed sometime by herself without seeing any guy.
I still kept in touch with her and she told me to go out for dinner again yesterday evening and we were just acting like friends. at the end of the dinner she told me she was gonna go over our friends’ house and she was gonna call me when she got back.
Well guess what happened? She never called me back. I was talking with one of her friends and she told me she is still seeing that guy. But, the thing that shocked me the most is that the guy she went to chill with wasnt the guy I saw her cheating with that day.
I still feel she wants to spend time with me but I dont get why..
What should I do?
Helpmeplease: she sounds like a party girl who will say whatever in a “I want to feel good for now.” I would forget about her if I were you. She can’t be trusted. Move on before you get really really hurt.
Last week before a nail biting football game, my boyfriend of five months called me and almost broke it off but gave me another chance. That Wednesday, he called me right before church and broke up with me. I cried on the whole congregation’s shoulders. The whole reason he did thid was because a schoolmate of mine lied to him and told him I was cheating on him just because I hang out with a whole group of boys. And, he told him I was pregnant because I came to school with a stomachache. it still hurts me, I WANT HIM BACK!!!
Tiffany, it sounds like you need to forget this guy…and get a new friend. The friend lied about you and instead of talking to you, the boyfriend broke up with you. You sound young and you can and will move past this. But you have to learn to let go of people who will believe others over you and friends that lie about you.
Hi Susan,
So, I already know what you’re going to say, but it helps to have it reiterated to me over and over. So, here goes:
This past Saturday I told my boyfriend of 4 years that it was over. I was angry at him because of a certain way he made me feel. Not getting into the situation, I realize in retrospect that I was definitely being hypersensitive, and that I could have dealt with the situation in a mature way, but I didn’t. But he has a history of invalidating my feelings, so I got angry. That’s why I ended it. Usually when I get angry, I’ll tell him its over, sometimes to get his attention, but most of the time its because I really feel that it won’t work. But then I become lonely and I end up calling him. Anyway, when I texted to apologize, I got no response. Also, I called, and got no response. We haven’t talked for about 5 days now, and its not as hard on me as I thought it would be, but it still hurts. I feel like if its over for REAL, he should at least have the respect for me after 4 years to tell me goodbye. I can only feel so sorry for letting my emotions for getting the best of me right? I reached out and he did not respond to it. So it makes me feel like 4 years is gone for something stupid. Maybe this should have been over a long time ago, when he slept with another girl and ended up blaming it on me taking him for granted. What do you think?
It sounds like a really dysfunctional relationship. If he slept with another girl and blamed you for it and then you both went on…well that’s not exactly healthy.
Then you break up with him, but not really. And now he’s not responding to your “maybe fake” breakup and you think he should have respect for you to say goodbye? What? He doesn’t owe you ANYTHING. Your behavior is not exactly wonderful.
You said goodbye…WHY should HE tell YOU goodbye? You’ve already said it. If you don’t mean it, perhaps you cried wolf too many times. He doesn’t owe you a thing. Once someone says goodbye, that should be IT. He has no obligation to do what? Say goodbye? Why does he have to say goodbye? You already did that!!! I think you’re asking for something that you’re not entitled to.
Where have either of you earned the respect of the other? I don’t see it. It sounds like a twisted and manipulative relationship and you are responsible for at least half of the problems.
You break up with him when you’re angry but you don’t mean it? That’s a GAME and it has NO PLACE in relationships.
I think you need to get your act together and stop toying with your boyfriend and your relationship. Not that he sounds like a prize but you’re playing a game and so long as you’re doing this, nothing in your life is going to work.
Get real. Get honest. Get going with your life. Your REAL life, your HONEST life without game playing and manipulation.
You can do this.
That’s what I needed to hear. Thanks Susan.
It is a HUGE moment when you can hear feedback like that.
I did the “fake breakup” many times and it was a game and my therapist called me on it. I know how it is.
Be good to you and work on yourself and you can become a healthy and happy person.
Peace,
Susan
I would like to pat all those on the back who are trying and succeeding at NO CONTACT. It is so very interesting how the mind works during the grieving process. Having been forced to break up with someone who was unable to “man-up and end the relationship,” to me it’s all the more difficult because I desperately want to feel better during the darkest times, so I tell myself, “Well, maybe he was indecisive because he still cares so much” or “He really loves me, but he was confused,” and I create false hopes of my own. It takes real guts to not be in contact with someone you miss and to be the one — even though you didn’t want it to end — to end it. To get beyond the false hopes and suffer through the reality is such an accomplishment, and to muster up strength when one feels so rotten, I think, should be commended. GOOD JOB TO EVERYBODY GOING THROUGH THIS.
NC is hard but SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worth it in the end. You deserve more than an indecisive person. As it says on here in many places, THE ONE for you WANTS you deeply and completely! Kick the others OUT OF YOUR LIFE!
Know what has helped me stay away, when doing it for my own good wasn’t enough? I told myself: The One is out there, and would he want anything to do with you if he knew you were still entangled with your ex? Probably not.
Ever heard the saying “If you want to make a friend, BE a friend”? I’ve thought a lot about this.. and I think it could be reworded as “If you want to find The One, BE The One”
So I’ve been thinking of it all in terms of: I have to be the person my Mr. Right is looking for. Then and only then will I be attractive to the kind of person I want to find.
Staying away for your own good SHOULD be reason enough, but on days when it isn’t, I find this kind of thinking helps. :)
Rebecca
Thank you, Susan, for helping me realize that these feelings are normal. I’m 22 and my girlfriend of nearly two years just ended the relationship 36 hours ago. I’ve been heartbroken before, but I thought we were going to get married. She didn’t want to hurt me, because we’re best friends, but her romantic feelings for me just weren’t there anymore, and she couldn’t lie to me.
It is so unbearably painful, because I’m not mad at her. She did the right thing. But now I’m so incredibly alone. She lives just down the street from me. She helped me find my apartment. She’s slept in my bed so many times, used my shower. The rug and the futon in my apartment are hers. I can’t escape her. I can’t escape these terrible feelings.
What I need help with is having sympathy for myself. I keep hating myself for ever becoming so dependent on her, for defining myself through her so much that now I’m completely devastated. And I keep believing that we could have worked if I’d done something differently. How do I love myself in such a difficult time? I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression before, but my coping mechanisms are working, because whereas anxiety is a delusion, this is real.
*my coping mechanisms AREN’T working…
Adam,
I am going through something very similiar and just wanted to let you know that I am sorry. Bottom line: It sucks.
Continue to read the articles (i.e. ‘When the person you love doesn’t love you’) on this site as they will definitely assist you in the healing process.
Best Wishes
I’m right there with you Adam. It all sucks big time and there’s no two ways about that. Hang in there and read, read, read!
Thanks for this article.As Adam said it makes you feel ok knowing all these feelings are completely that NORMAL.I guess we all go thru the same process.Wow these emotions Susan you are correct i go back and forth thru all them and then BACK again.Its like a merry-go round i cant get off.I know i have to.But the anger,shock,grief,the loneliness..it is a awful feeling.I have read from some who have gotten thru it and say it is the best feeling ever to be completely free and think on your own again..to be me again.I am just not there yet..I am going thru the withdrawals of no contact,anger,sadness..After reading your response to another i realized your right i too wanted answers from him the why,and wanting to know if he felt bad about what hes done..but you are correct i have to deal with it.I chose to break off a unhelathy relationship..i HAVE to move on–HE OWES ME NOTHING..I hve to accept that.Thanks.
hello, i just happened to be surfing the internet and came upon this page and i read the article about 3 times beginning to end. i am 17 turning 18 soon and i just got out of an unhealthy relationship. we were together for a year and 20 days. i thought i had fallen in love before but i guess i was wrong. this guy was my angel… or so i thought. he would tell me that he loved me more than anything in the world more than air and life and all the stars in the sky. we even had our cute little hand shake where he would squeeze 3 times for ‘i love you’ and i would 4 times for ‘i love you to’. he even quit smoking and drinking for me around the 3 month mark of our relationship. well he happened to turn 18 in september leaving him on a big power trip that he could do anything he wanted and it didn’t help that his mother eggs him on about being an adult now. and the way it ended wasn’t exactly pretty. it started out with him giving me and ultimatum to let him drink and party and do what he wants or get out of the relationship. then he told me that for the past 2 months he had picked up smoking again and lied about it. it shouldn’t have come as a surprise because he used to be a heavy smoker and its not easy to just stop cold turkey like he did. but for the past 4 months of the relationship i KNEW something was wrong and i do have a habit of being insecure at times. but whenever i would ask him if something was up he would flip out and blame me for being insecure he would say i didn’t trust him and that i needed to trust him. he almost had me on my knees begging for him to stay and talk it out once but he walked out saying he didn’t love me anymore that it was over. but 2 hours later he calls me and apologizes… i still don’t know why i accepted him back (this was 2 months before the real breakup). i talked to a friend and she said that i wasnn’t being insecure it was good instinct and intuition and he also probably flipped out because of his own guilty conscience. he also liked another girl for the past few months of our relationship as well. over christmas break i happened to tell this girl the truth about all the mind games he would play (making me feel guilty for feeling like somthing was wrong) and being verbally abusive such as making me cry because he had a bad day by taking every single beautiful thing back and replacing it with… ‘i don’t want to be with you forever.’ and his own idea of a sick joke to which he laughed at >’i'm only with you half the time because i think ur pregnant’ he is very two faced at times. not to mention i never thought he would lay a finger on me but a few weekends ago at a friends party he took me by the throat and held me to the ground for no reason at all. he also kept calling and texting over break. pretending to be his brother at first to say merry christmas and leaving angry voicemails like ‘i feel bad about what happened but shit happens and i still love you goodbye.’ and the last one was to wish me a happy new years. for the return to school he is angry that the girl he likes no longer trusts him because i told her the truth and because we are friends. he is putting on what seems like a front that he is very angry with me. i don’t know exactly how he is feeling. i guess a bit of me is hoping he misses me because on some messed up level i still love him and want him back and i’m trying for reassurance and so far not finding any. at school i smile and laugh like everything is alright but on the inside i’m screaming for him to come back. any words of advice how to deal with this??? i have a feeling its not over yet. i love him and i wish i didn’t. and for me to love someone so utterly and completely because of past abuse history is amazing. i never open up to anyone and i gave him everything. now everyday is a constant reminder that he told me to trust him and i finally did and look what happened. i know i should be glad that i’m rid of him because he wasn’t good to me recently but i’m not because i know that this isn’t who he really is underneath everything. i’m so confused but at the same time he is the type to come back in the end. what should i prepare for and how SHOULD i handle it??? (a call? a note? him showing up at my door step?)
thanks for listening and i will appreciate the advice i get back. :D
loveth me :)
ps: another thing that ended it was that he said i was controling and telling him that he couldnt do anything he wanted. (drinking and smoking) but i told him from the very beginning that these are things i do not like… these are my standards… and i also said that he could do whatever he wanted but if smoking and drinking were the things he chose i didn’t want to be a part of it. so i guess in the end he chose them over me…
Adam, I can completely get what you said about the furniture and the remaining ghostly “presence” of an ex in your space. My little sister came up with the idea of redecorating. It doesn’t have to cost a lot. Basically, move every piece of furniture you can to a different place. If you have things on the wall, move them around (or get a new, positive, COOL looking one that gives you a great feeling). Get all new sheets. Get new pillows for your sofa. i’m a big fan of Target and TJ Max for stuff that isn’t costly but changes a new space immensely.
And then, do what Susan has talked about…find places to go and social things to do with other people. It sucks majorly at first to be out there, but one reason I’ve realized that I think about my ex is that I’m not involved enough with me!
OOh, and Adam, considering giving her back her furniture and go on Craig’s list or something and get your NEW secondhand furniture for your new life full of possibilities with a person who is a good match for you.
Gummy Bear: you’re young and I think that you should have standards and the ones you have are good ones. I think you deserve better than this guy and that you should just work on yourself and try to put this relationship behind you. Good luck!
I am at a point where I think talking to a professional would be additional help with this breakup. I am a Bronx born-raised living in New York. Susan, are there any good psychiatrists that you can mention?
I am hoping that talking with a professional may assist me with placing certain items into perspective.
Hi Susan
Feels weird talking to strangers about this, but your post is something i could truly relate to when I felt i’m in total darkness. My boyfriend of 2 years left his placement abroad without discussing anything with me, cz we missed each other. he cudnt get a proper job here, d frustration made him so abusive towards me dat i went into depression.
mind u,he never discussed leaving the placemnt wid me.i was supposed to be grateful.and wen i said i cant leave mine,he said he cant stand me earning more than him..called me all sort of names, lied to me dat he was terminally ill to keep me tied.All LIES. He had a problem if i went out with friends and now,if i take up dat job outside this city.
He has stopped taking my calls,says i dont deserve respect cz i cant leave a job like him.i used to WORSHIP him. got intimate with him to sm extent JUST BCZ we talked of marriage and stuff. How can he break a lifelong commitment????dat too bcz i wont sacrifice my career wen i’m abt to start on it. i just howl all day. sometimes i feel he just used me..but then i wud want to feel so. How can he walk away like dat..i begged, and i hate myself for lack of self respect.
I promise myself every night that i WON’T call him, and yet, i end up doing that daily. The way he responds…is a total contrast to the way he treated me a year back…like i’m crap. Has stopped calling me. At one point, he said I should not repeat his mistake and instead, focus on my career. So why this double game???
Please help.
Initial Days:Sometimes when I hear about a person’s breakup, I think the person probably dodged a bullet. I feel that way here. He doesn’t sound like a prize and he’s certainly not the brass ring.
Work on you, get that self-esteem up!!! Go thrrough the grief and come out on the other side whole enough and strong enough to attract someone who knows that love is as love does. Your ex-bf sounds like a self-centered and cruel individual and I say good riddance to bad rubbish.
It’s hard, I KNOW, because he did bait and switch, but better now than after the ring is on your finger, children are running around and you are tied to him in a hundred different ways.
Be good to you.
Hi, I think that this web site is spot on. It has definately helped me. My boyfriend walked out on me and me two children three days before christmas. I loved him very much and so did my kids. He always kept me at a distance and I never felt that he loved me the way I loved him. He and his ex wife had split 18 months before we met, I don’t think he will ever get over that but that’s not my problem anymore. I just want to forget how much I tried to make it work but it’s so hard and hurtful. While he was living with me pretending to make plans for the future he was on the council list waiting for somewhere to live and booking holidays abroad. I feel such a fool as I gave myself completely to him, he’s totally betrayed me and my children. It will be hard to trust any man after this. I will read through this web site every day and get stronger. I have an old friend that I will be meeting up with soon as it is my birthday soon, not rushing in to anything but there is hope for the future. My feelings go out to other readers who are feeling worse than I am xxx
Today is day 5 for me. The first 3-4 days were almost unbearable - i was a mess - i still am a mess. I did not sleep eat or function like a normal person. I found this site and realised that despite my want to be friends with him that I can not get through, over and beyond him and us with him in my life. There is still love and lots of it and it is just too painful too continually talk to him, knowing that we are OVER. I call him to get me through, until the next breakdown, where I feel I have to call him so that he can comfort calm and reassure me about myself and my strength - which he does. I know I HAVE to do that for myself & I can & I will - I was strong happy and healthy before him and I will be again.
Our break up - my break up from him is due to our long distance relationship and the frustrations of missing and loving someone so far away with no real near or hopeful future of us being in a situation where we can be together it is a complicated mess - when i stop analysing it all and get to some point of real acceptance. At the moment I accept it I know it is over but I still find comfort in hope that one day circumstance will change. I know I can not cling to that - I just have to get to that point and I cant force it.
This is my first love real love and it was 18 months long. I am almost 28 and he is 14 years older. I am heartbroken I am wounded and i am grieving loss I am feeling rejected and the void is so large and unable to be filled with anything or by anyone right now.
Today is better than yesterday and I know this will be a long process for me - it will take as long as it takes. As long as I need and as long as I let it. It is all about me and I realise that. Finding the strength to stay focused on myself with such little sleep and food is difficult - especially when focussing on me means spending some QUALITY TIME ALONE and right now all i do is think of him us and cycle through all the above mentioned feelings and emotions when I am alone - and it hurts it hurts like hell.
Thanks to you all so much : )
This site is going to be part of me adjusting to being me on my own again.
Thanks for writing that article. I am in a completely different situation than most people. My Dad died almost 2 years ago now. We were extremely close and as I am an only child, I was devastated. Then, about a year afterwards, my best girlfriend of almost a decade dumped her husband. I told her I disagreed with what she had done and offered her a night out on the town with my husband and myself and her husband also, of course. She proceeded to dump me. I became extremely angry at her for putting me through the “grieving process” again! Anyway, your article has helped me out tremendously. If there are any other helpful hints you could give me, it would be appreciated. Thanks.
I was dating this girl for 9 months and for the last 2 months i could tell things were going down hill. I noticed especially in the last month that she was slowly getting rid of me in her life. A week we went up to payson to visit with her friends and we ended up getting into an accident and totaling my car. (She was Driving) During the entire trip i could tell something was up and affection i got from her was cold and forced. I confronted her a few days after the accident and she told me she was afraid of getting hurt again and didn’t want to talk about a future anymore because it scared her.
I decided to back of and give her space to think about things which she did and ended up breaking up with my on friday. She came over and we talked and she told me that her life was going to be to busy and hectic to continue a relationship. She is in college and is work 40 hours a week and is joining a club on top of that to further her schooling. Also she wasn’t going to spend less time with her friends. She said that she can’t deal with the pressure of relationship and that she needs to be able to focus. She said that its to much pressure trying to keep me happy and to always be worrying about finding time to see me.
Of course i didn’t want it to end but she had made up her mind; she told me that she still wanted to be friends and it would be sad if i said no. We hugged and kissed one last time and she left. Later that night i told her i wanted to get my stuff back from her after work and that i need to talk to her to help me move on. She agreed and i wen’t to her house after work; i got my stuff and put it in my car and then i talked with her about insurance and then asked her if she was just letting me down easy and that she really had stopped loving me. She said that wasn’t the case and that she did love me but she just couldn’t deal with pressure.
She said she couldn’t always be worrying is she was texting me enough and if she was talking to me enough and seeing me enough. I admit that i was to controlling in the relationship and to clingy and that i realized i was making mistakes and promising to fix them and never actually fixing them. She brought this up and said i promised i would change before and i didn’t and that its much easier said than done.
After that I told her that i needed time to move on and over come this and that i may talk to her in a week,month, or never about being friends because i need to get over her in order to even think about it.
She had tears in her eyes and just stared blankly at my car and then i said she should go inside before she freezes and a second later she just turned around and walk away.
I haven’t seen or talked to her since and yesterday was hard for me because i do miss her a lot and i did feel that she was the one. I can’t help but feel that i was the major cause of why we didn’t workout because i was incapable of realizing that i was smothering her. She was my first girlfriend and had been with several others herself but only one other serious.
Part of me wants to hope that there is a future for us and that its just a bad time for her to work on a relationship. At the same time i know its over and that i need to completely cut any contact with her be it checking up on her myspace or asking friends to see if shes ok.
Your posts have been very helpful laying out all the feelings that I am and will be going through in the next few months of my life.
my question i guess is if you truly love someone and they truly love you then no matter what life throws at you each person would be willing to make time to fix or amend the relationship?
Did she really love me or did she just say she did but not enough to be willing to deal with fixing things?
~my question i guess is if you truly love someone and they truly love you then no matter what life throws at you each person would be willing to make time to fix or amend the relationship? Did she really love me or did she just say she did but not enough to be willing to deal with fixing things?~
I don’t think it’s that simple. I think sometimes you can truly love someone and still just not be right for them. Or sometimes you still have a lot of work left to do on yourself and can’t be what the other person needs until you put in that crucial time. There are a lot of factors involved. It sounds to me like she did love you, but the dynamics of your relationship weren’t working. It wasn’t the best fit. When you say you were controlling or smothering, it sounds like you likely have some work to do on yourself to get to where you don’t react that way in a relationship (with the right person). Did you have a hard time trusting her? If so, why?
I agree with MovingOn. It’d be nice if we could all believe that “love conquers all.” But it’s never that simple. In my opinion, the biggest thing is that you both have to be in the same place in life. If you’re not, than you can have all the love and chemistry in the world, but it’s not going to work. You can’t move forward together because you both didn’t start at the same point. If you have work to do on yourself and so does she, it’s hard to do that work together.
This article by Susan about dysfunctional relationships was an eye-opener for me when I was getting over my ex:
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2006/12/14/1213-thought-for-the-day/
For me, the biggest thing was realizing this: if she loved me as much as she said she did, if she felt the same way I did about her, and if we were in the same place…we would be together. We’re not, so obviously, somewhere along the way, there is work to be done. And when I finally accepted she didn’t love me the “exact” way I loved her, Susan’s article on “When the person you love doesn’t love you back” really hit home for me.
MovingOn thanks for the input and yes as a matter of fact i did have trouble trusting her. About 4 months into our relationship she told me she had feelings for another guy. She had liked this guy before i had ever met her. She didn’t come outright and tell it to me I noticed that she was acting differently and being distant. I had to work with her to get it out and after a night by herself she told me she wanted time to figure it out. I gave her the space she needed and she came back to me in a days time and i made clear under the conditions that it was for the long haul. I believe this is where i started being controlling and smothering.
I admit i do have work to do on myself as I am not content to be on my own. I was not a complete person when i met her and even now i am still not complete. I guess you can never have a happy relationship unless you are first happy with who you are and who you were before the relationship. I guess its hard knowing that relationships can fail between the right people if it occurs at the wrong stage in their lives. I feel that i am majorly responsible for the failure of the relationship and know as hard as it may be i have plenty of work to do on my own self.