Definitions

with hand tied behind ones back

Don Taylor (Canadian sportscaster)

Don Taylor (born September 25, 1959 in Vancouver, British Columbia) is a Canadian television and radio sportscaster.

He currently hosts Rogers Sportsnet Pacific's nightly sports news program Sportsnet Connected and also co-hosts the weekday afternoon radio show Pratt and Taylor on The Team 1040.

He is best known for his witty and comical delivery of the nightly sports highlights. One of his most recognizable trademarks is his imitation of Jerry Lewis when describing frantic plays (usually in front of the net in hockey). He is also known for his quick and comprehensive memory of past athletes and their jersey numbers.

Before working for Sportsnet, he was the longtime co-host of CKVU's nightly sports news show Sports Page and was also briefly a radio broadcaster with CKNW.

He has also provided colour commentary for different hockey video games including NHL 2002, NHL 2003, as well as NHL Rock The Rink which all were released by EA Sports

Taylorisms

Taylor's trademark is his quirky commentary style during the nightly sports highlight packages. He is known for his unique vocabulary ("Taylorisms") and often makes references to obscure sports or pop culture figures from the past, and also pokes fun at past and present employees of Sportsnet.

Hockey-related

  • "Brian Rolston scores and xassist, as always, goes to his ventriloquist's dummy George."

A reference to the late Peter Rolston, a ventriloquist and children's TV star on BCTV in the 1960s and 70s. His dummy's name was, of course, George

  • "Garry Valk- Garry, you lost/dropped your [unusual object] again!

Usually happens after every time ex Canuck turned analyst Garry Valk finishes his segment of the show analyzing the Canucks after hockey games.

eg. Garry, you've dropped your medical bill again!... there you go.

A reference to the fact that Joffrey's last name is the same when read forwards or backwards, thus making it a palindrome

This could either be a reference to rapper Hot Karl, or the sexual act of the same name.

  • "Chris Kunitz ... now there's a name I don't want to mispronounce!"

An obvious joke on Kunitz's name, which could be mistakenly pronounced as the vulgarism Cunts. It may also be a subtle reference to a classic Taylor moment where, in Freudian fashion, he referred to Kunitz's Anaheim Ducks as "the Mighty Dykes," and giggled uncontrollably throughout the rest of the broadcast.

  • "He's the leading scorer among players whose first names start with 'Lub'."

When reporting on Ľubomir Višňovský

This is a reference to various kinds of hair color.

  • "I think he got his left "khabi" on that shot, or was it his right "bulin"? Maybe it's his middle "Nikolai"!"

A play on goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin's name

A reference to British pop singer Donovan's hit single "Mellow Yellow"

A reference to Austrian classical composers Franz Schubert and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and Russian classical composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

  • [Goaltender] makes the save in a style reminiscent of a young [Obscure Retired Goaltender].

Obscure backup goaltenders from the 70s and 80s are most commonly used, such as Ed Dyck

Uses names of players who have long retired and mostly obscure.

  • Stating that a player "bulges the twine" or "ripples the mesh" upon scoring.
  • Describing the colours of the jersey worn by the team that just made a play

"[Team Name] wearing the [basic colours] with the [colour] trim"
Once in a while, he chooses to extend this taylorism even after he has moved on with the broadcast.
eg. "The Lightning at home playing the Flyers, wearing their traditional black and white with dark blue trim are riding a 3-game winning streak... ah there's a little silver thrown in there too."

When reporting on Boston Bruins winger Michael Ryder. In reference to the famous rhythm and blues song

A reference to Vancouver radio personality Jeff O'Neil of 99.3 The Fox

  • "Sportsnet Judge, [Sportsnet Personality] gives the fight to [Player Name]"

When reporting on a fight. Frequent "judges" include current "quirky" Sportsnet employees such as Jim Lang or RJ Broadhead, ex-employees such as Jody Vance, Scott "The Sherminator" Rintoul, Damian Goddard or Hazel Mae, or sometimes even inanimate objects such as Jim Van Horne's moustache, Jody Vance's "sexy librarian glasses," Hazel Mae's "little leather skirt" or Sean McCormick's hairpiece.

In reference to the popular nightclub/concert venue The Commodore Ballroom on Granville St. in Vancouver.

Referring to the companies Moen and American Standard, popular brands of taps/faucets for the kitchen and bathroom.

  • Referring to NHL team names descriptively

For example: Calling the Pittsburgh Penguins "The flightless birds", or the New Jersey Devils "The Cloven-Hoofed Ones," and also the Anaheim Ducks the "Muscular Fowl of Anaheim."

  • "Goal scored by Paul Martin, the assists go to Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe."

Referring to former Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin, and his political opponents Bloc Québécois leader Gilles Duceppe and New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton.

  • "Jason Blake, private eye"

Referring to Jason Blake of the Toronto Maple Leafs sharing his surname with actor Robert Blake, who played a detective in the television series Baretta

  • "Johan Holmqvist" also "JO-HAN HEEEEDBERG!"

Sung in a bizarre, pseudo-operatic style seemingly out of nowhere while recapping games. Also used for other plays with the first name Johan, or a last name ending in -qvist. Example: "Crosby moves in alone, but this time he's stopped by... JO-HAN HEEEEDBERG!" This becomes particularly hilarious whenever Taylor recaps a game in which Tampa Bay plays Atlanta, and both Holmqvist and Hedberg have been in net.

Referring to the late Ian Dury's band Ian Dury and the Blockheads.

When the Buffalo Sabres center scores a goal. Referring to the Richard Harris song MacArthur Park.

  • "...gaaaaathering speed", "...skating gingerly", and "eNORMous save"

Said in a high pitched nasal voice imitating the style of former Hockey Night in Canada play-by-play announcer Danny Gallivan.

  • "Some advice to young broadcasters; anytime you get a chance to use the word 'brouhaha,' you take it!"

Frequently said when large scrums or fights break out.

  • "Tkachuk- that's the sound he made when he hit the ice!"

Also used with other players with names that sound like sounds, such as Dion Phaneuf or Kris Letang.

A reference to the song "Baby Beluga" by Canadian children's entertainer Raffi. The song was also performed by another Canadian children's entertainer, Fred Penner. Both Dustin and Fred are natives of Manitoba.

  • "Vesa Toskala with an enormous dick sav-...err glove save!"
  • "Makes the pad save in Rapier like fashion!"

Basketball-related

  • Kobe Bryant drives it to the rim... he did that in Colorado too."

Reference to the alleged sexual assault charges against Kobe Bryant that were eventually dropped.

  • "...and it WAS... a GORGEOUS... MOVE!" and "YES!"

Said after any scoring play in a voice imitating that of famed National Basketball Association broadcaster Marv Albert. These were some of Albert's most recognizable catch phrases.

Said whenever Del Harris, coach of the Lakers in the 1990s, was shown during a highlight package. Harris had a white head of hair, similar to that of Donahue. Taylor uses a similar comparison whenever someone is shown on camera that even slightly resembles a celebrity.

Baseball-related

For example, "Frank Catalanotto... Home run!" or "Frank Catalanotto... Grounds out!"

  • "Just like he used to do when he played at Nat Bailey stadium."

Said after any former Vancouver Canadians player, usually Jim Edmonds or Garret Anderson, does anything resembling a good play

Said after Toronto Blue Jays shortstop John McDonald gets a base hit or home-run. A reference to Canada's first Prime Minister John A. Macdonald and Canada's 10th PM, William Lyon Mackenzie King.

When reporting on Cleveland Indians starting pitcher C. C. Sabathia. In reference to the famous rhythm and blues song.

Referring to Cleveland Indians first baseman/right fielder Casey Blake sharing his surname with actor Robert Blake, who played a detective in the television series Baretta

  • "Jeff Kent, Dave Randorf's favorite ballplayer"

Referring to the time when Taylor's co-host on Sports Page, Dave Randorf, accidentally called second baseman Jeff Kent "Jeff Cunt." Much like Taylor's infamous "Mighty Dykes" slip-up, the two were unable to keep it together for most of the remainder of the broadcast.

Referring to a roach clip, as the Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman's last name sounds similar to "roach."

Referring to the basketball player Felipe Lopez, who currently plays in the Continental Basketball Association.

Referring to the Led Zeppelin album Physical Graffiti, which features the song Kashmir. In addition to sounding like the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' ace's last name, he also comes out after warming up in the bullpen to the song.

Referring to the Bartlett cultivar pear

Reference to Seinfeld character Lloyd Braun

  • "Ian Snell, Steven's brother, was on the mound for the Pirates"

Reference to Seinfeld character Steven Snell

  • "A-rod and Pujols... sounds like the title of a movie I once saw"

sexual innuendo

  • "Like Spinal Tap this one goes to eleven"

Extra innings

  • And Jeter flies out to left, going to be an easy catch for Manny ending the inning -- ahgundenhaut, he drops it!"

Describes a routinely expected outcome, before making the correction not before some variation of his signature sounds.

  • "A-rod hits one down the line past a diving Morneau. ONE RUN scores, TWO RUNS scores! We're all knotted at 3!"

When a hit produces multiple runs scored, Taylor elects to describe each individual run as opposed to simply saying "X" runs scored.

Soccer-related

  • "Onion bag!"

Often used to announce a goal. A play on ESPN soccer commentator Tommy Smyth's catchphrase auld onion bag.

General Taylorisms

  • "...in [last name]ian fashion," "in [last name]-like fashion" and "...the [last name]ian one"

Frequently applied to just about any player. Examples include "Bryan Smolinski, scores in Smolinskian fashion," "Dirk Nowitzki, the Nowitzkian one" and "Sidney Crosby scores in Crosby-like fashion."
It is widely believed that the original player to be addressed in this manner, was Peter Forsberg, back in his Colorado Avalanche days. The alliteration in "Forsbergian fashion" adds to its phonetic appeal.

  • "[Player], wearing [Former Player]'s old number __"

Taylor seems to have impeccable memory for jersey numbers of obscure and long retired players.

  • "They're loving it in [location]!"

Often refers to a player's hometown or junior team city when said player does something noteworthy.

  • "[Player Name], a member of the 'All Name Team'"

When referring to athletes who have long or unpronounceable names, such as Branko Radivojevič or T. J. Houshmandzadeh

  • Referring to former Sportsnet reporter, Scott Rintoul as Scott "The Sherminator" Rintoul

This is a reference to Chuck Sherman, a character from the American Pie movie series who self nicknamed himself "The Sherminator". Rintoul bares a striking resemblance to the lanky redheaded character.

  • "The dreaded [Obscure Player] - [Obscure Player] combination. "

This "Taylorism" is used when two relatively unknown players hook up for a goal in hockey or a basket in basketball. Example: "Martin Erat feeds Vladimir Orszagh, one timer, scores. Oh, the dreaded Erat-Orszagh combination!"

  • Scribbling across the page at the end of a broadcast.

At the end of a Sportsnet Connected broadcast, he usually scribbles over a piece of paper. No other Sportsnet Broadcaster does this on a regular basis. Dennis Miller used to do this at the end of his "Weekend Update" segment on "Saturday Night Live" in the late 80s and early 90s.

  • Dave Randorf sightings

Often calls children that appear in the highlight packages Dave Randorf, who co-hosted Sports Page with Taylor in the 90s. Randorf, currently broadcasting on TSN, is fairly diminutive.

  • "Nyahi!"

Taylor will often interrupt the script to make this noise when attractive women appear in the highlight package, but will adeptly recover from the stoppage. The noise varies in pitch and length, presumably as a function of attractiveness. Also, a variation of this sound is often made when a misplay occurs. The exact spelling has yet to be determined, although it could be compared to the incoherent, jerky noises made by Professor Frink of the animated television series The Simpsons.

  • ''"...from the bowels of [stadium]"

When postgame coverage is included in the broadcast, Taylor will often use this line to segue into the segment. A particularly amusing example of this is, "For more, we go back to Dan Murphy, from the bowels of the Gaylord Entertainment Center."

  • ..[player name], the pride of [hometown]"

eg. Brendan Morrison, the PRIDE OF PITT MEADOWS, ties it at 2!

NHL 2003

These things has been said by Don Taylor in the NHL 2003 video game:

"Any harder and it would have hit him to the parking lot."

"That will make you think twice before buying front row tickets, those fans will pick out glasses of their hair for a week."

"At least now he doesn’t have to wonder how it feels like to be hit by a bulldozer."

(Jim Hughson speaks first)"Don, I prefer teams that win the games by skill and strategy." "I’m sorry Jim are we keeping you from a chess tournament."

"That guy has more hits than MTV"

"And here he will learn that hockey is better than boxing, because after the fight, the action begins.

"It’s penalty shot time? Let me check my watch. Yup definitely penalty shot time"

"It couldn’t have been more of a masterpiece if it was signed by Da Vinci."

"In the break the teams will discuss how to better up its present play and if they’re lucky, maybe somebody’s mom will bring oranges"

(Jim Hughson speaks first) "It’s power play; they got to play smart now." "Well they always got to play smart, they just got to play extra smart, like Einstein smart. "Like you Don!?" "Not that smart."

"The shot was rejected like an old girlfriend"

"Maybe, but listen to these stats that we’ve got from the people at home. 9% says he does deserve the penalty. 20 say he doesn’t and 71% says that Don is much cooler than Jim." "Let me see that." "Eh, no you can’t."

"That confirms it Jim, he can deke with one hand tied behind his back."

"He shot the puck, but he had no luck."

"He tossed that to the side like a used toothpick."

"When you miss a shot like that it’s a good idea to blame your stick."

"Attention customers, the net is now closed."

"Maybe an octopus could have stopped, maybe!"

"That will be a candidate for the new stamp!"

"Yeah I know, he is to the slapshot what I am to relevant, clever dialogue."

"If he keeps sending rockets like that he’ll soon be sponsored by NASA."

(Talking about the winning team's uniforms) "Look at the design and everything, I mean it’s the die for."

"Guys with hits like that use to end up with lots of Grammies in their closet."

"Wow! That guy is hard to get by, almost as hard as my aunt Bertha at the Buffet line."

Now he has to sit in the penalty box for 2 minutes. Unless his friends bakes him a cake, you know with a file in it, so he can escape."

"I havn't seen hits that big since my family reunion."

(During a blowout, after the winning team scores) "I haven't seen a shellacking this bad since my pancake incident"

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