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The Stoned Age

The Stoned Age (also known as 'Tack's Chicks') is a 1994 American comedy film directed by James Melkonian, set during the 1970s about two long haired stoners named Michael Hubbs and Joe Connolly and one night cruising Southern California looking for alcohol, parties, and girls.

Plot summary

:Once upon a time

:In a land called Suburbia

:there lived a noble breed of men.

:Men who spent their lives

:on a never-ending quest

:for Honor...

:Glory...

:and Fine Chicks...''

On a busy highway Crump's Brother is hitchhiking. After a few cars pass by Crump's Brother yells at longhaired teen in an old Ford pickup who then stops to pick him up. Crump's Brother acts very aggressive towards the driver and tells him about two girls he knows about in Torrance Beach that he is going to spend the night with. Later that day at Petro Park, a hangout in Orange County, the driver of the pickup surrounded by other teen males known as "the guzzlers", tells them about the two girls Crump's Brother has down in Torrance Beach. Tack, one of the guzzlers, walks away from the others on a mission to spend the night with the two girls he has just heard about. After the title sequence we meet Michael Hubbs and Joe Connelly, two long haired teens who are out cruising in their 1960s Volkswagen Type II wagon known as "The Blue Torpedo", looking to party. Cruising along Joe's 8-Track copy of Hocus Pocus is eaten by the player. He then puts on "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult but Hubbs calls it a "pussy song" and orders him to take it out. Joe debates him saying: "If it's B.O.C how can it be pussy?" Hubbs still doesn't want to hear it but Joe refuses to change it. Hubbs then grabs him by a headlock until he complies. They then meet the homely "Buffalo chicks" and get the lowdown on parties then speed off. Cruising along they pass Tack trying to flag them down. Joe, at the urging of Hubbs, spits a loogey on Tack as Tack yells out "I got some chicks, man!". Hubbs yells back: "Tack's got some chicks?" and screeches the car to a halt. After arguing with Tack they reluctantly let him in. Tack reveals that he has a "shitload" of fine chicks staying near "that Frankie Avalon place" down in Torrance Beach much to Hubbs' disgust, as Torrance is a distance away. They then argue about money and gas. Hubbs yells: "Information without transportation equals dick! If it weren't for us you'd still be sitting on the road jerking off!" He then punches Tack and gets him to give up his weekend beer money.

After stopping for gas and cigarettes Hubbs and Connolly talk to Crump, who happens to be the attendant. Crump tells them about two "radical chicks" his brother has down in Torrance Beach near "that Frankie Avalon place." He then tells them that it's a closed party because there are only two of them. Hubbs, knowing now that Tack lied tells Crump that a babe named Desiree Gibson, whom Crump's brother likes, is doing "amateur night" at Dirty Doug’s', a strip club down the coast. Hubbs then gets back into the Blue Torpedo and tells Tack to get out and wash their windows. Tack argues back by saying he bought the gas but Hubbs says: "If I'm gonna haul your ass down there I'm gonna need clean windows." Tack gives in, gets out, and heads off to get a squeegee. Joe returns to the car and they take off. Tack, knowing he's been duped, chases after them and grabs onto the open window begging Joe not to be a worm and leave him. Hubbs, now furious, punches Tack in the face and sends him sprawling across the parking lot.

Hubbs and Joe arrive at a house in Torrance Beach and see a sexy silhouette in a window. They knock on the door and meet the very sexy Lanie. Lanie questions them on drugs and won't let them in to party unless they bring some 151 rum. So Hubbs and Joe go to Liquor World, sneak a bottle of 151 past the crazy disco guy clerk (played by Taylor Negron), Officer Dean and his partner, two inept Barney Fife-ish cops, and head back to Lanies' house.

Across town Tack has not given up and calls up Norm "Snot Rag" Hankey. Snot Rag and Tack argue about a ride. Snot Rag wants to watch his favorite TV show The Dukes of Hazzard. Tack replies: "You wanna watch the fuckin' 'Dick's of Hazzard instead of getting laid?" Tack shows up at Hanky's house and convinces Snot Rag's mom to let him go cruising.

Meanwhile Joe and Hubbs return to the house only to meet Jill, Lanies' friend and daughter of the home owner, at the door and are disappointed in her average looks. After drinking and listening to Rock music records Joe mentions that Lanie looks "just like that chick from the Virgin Killer album"). They then discuss going to concerts when Joe goes off about being hit by a laser at a Blue Öyster Cult show and seeing a "huge gnarly eyeball". Hubbs and the girls look at him in disbelief and Hubbs berates him for it. The girls take a quick bathroom break where Lanie tells Jill she thinks Hubbs looks like Ritchie Blackmore of Deep Purple, and tries to get Jill to go for Joe, whom she immediately laughs off. Meanwhile Joe and Hubbs urinate in the ice tray and raid her dad's kitchen for snacks. Soon after there's a knock on Jill's door; Tack and Snot Rag arrive. After a brief fight Tack reveals that there is a party in Palos Verdes. Hubbs protests saying: "You don't wanna party with a bunch of Palos Verdes queefies, man." But next we see the group being driven in Hanky's Chevy Camaro by Tack, wildly. They arrive in "P.V" and Muldoon, the rich-boy host, admits the girls to the party but the guys are rejected. They lurk around and find the Petro Park guzzlers drinking from kegs in Muldoon's back yard, as well as the Buffalo Chicks. Joe, frustrated that he lost his chance with Lanie, looks for a way in but gets flipped off by Muldoon. He goes kitchen patio to sees Lanie slap Muldoon across the face. She exits and asks Joe: "What does someone have to do to get some drugs in this city?" Joe reveals that he has some marjiuana he scored from his brother back in the Blue Torpedo. Lanie, excited at the prospect, says to bail the party but Joe is wary of ditching Hubbs. Lanie convinces him to do so by telling him he can see her in her new bikini and getting high in Jill's neighbor's pool. Meanwhile Hubbs, pissed that he can't find Joe or Lanie, flees the scene with Jill, just as the party is broken up by Officer Dean and the LAPD.

Joe and Lanie arrive at the pool, strip down, and jump into the hot tub. Lanie finds out the Joe's stash is nothing but "skank weed" and is disappointed. All of a sudden Hubbs grabs Joe by a chokehold and tells him not to ditch him again. Joe, once again defeated, watches Hubbs flirt with Lanie. He gets angry and tosses furniture into the pool. Hubbs and Lanie join in but the owner arrives and takes a swing at Joe with a bat. Joe knocks the guy into the pool and the three make a break for it. They arrive home and Jill asks what happened. Joe follows Lanie upstairs where he finally makes his move but she drops him to the floor telling him to keep his hands off. Hubbs laughs at Joe and commends his actions.

Meanwhile Tack and guzzlers, after receiving a lecture by Officer Dean on teen drinking and having their kegs confiscated, rally and decide to head to the chicks' house, first stopping off at a liquor warehouse for supplies.

After a sequence following Crump’s Brother's disappointment at Dirty Doug's we see that Hubbs makes his move and he and Lanie have sex. At the same time Joe and Jill argue and Jill takes off. Joe, afraid she might get a neighbor, catches up with her and they continue to argue about drinking, dating and getting stoned. Jill leaves him on the beach where he sees the moon morph into a "huge gnarly eyeball". When they return home they find Tack and the horny gang of guzzlers carrying cases of Ox 45 tall’s they stole from a warehouse and chanting: "alcohol!" At the front door Tack calls Jill a "fuckin' fat ass" and the guzzlers gang up on Joe. Jill helps Joe get back into the house after he subdues Tack, Mike Dick, and Mike New York, leaders of the gang. Thankful for the rescue outside, Jill allows Joe to stay and they get high off of Joe's skank weed stash and listen to music while the guzzlers camp out on the front porch. After Jill heads off to "take a dump" Joe gets nauseated from the Ox 45 and skank weed mix and "horks" under a chair cushion. Jill returns and Joe passes out.

When Joe comes to he and Jill discuss Blue Öyster Cult and "Don't Fear The Reaper" being a "pussy song". Just then he's beckoned upstairs by Hubbs. Hubbs tells him that he lied to Lanie about Joe's luck and she agrees to perform on him. When Joe heads upstairs he sees Lanie sleeping nude on the bed. He drifts off and has major revelations about being hit at the Blue Öyster Cult show by the laser, his life as a stoner, and his eventual death (all in a tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey). When he comes to he decides its not right to take advantage of Lanie and heads back downstairs only to see Hubbs making out with Jill. Joe, upset at Hubbs prerogative, interrupts them. Hubbs says it was all Jill and continues on. Then the trio hears a commotion outside. Crump's Brother has shown up, pushing around the Petro Park guzzlers, then tries to get inside the house by thrashing the door. Joe and Hubbs are able to hold him off for a while then flee to the kitchen, expecting to get beat up. Just when it looks like he is about to get inside they don't hear any more yelling. Outside Jill's father Warren (played by David Groh) shows up and knocks out Crump’s Brother. Hubbs and Joe celebrate too early as Warren enters the house. Hubbs flees but Joe is caught. Warren tosses Joe down the stairs then calls the police. After hearing a lecture about "all that stinking heavy metal music" Joe finally stands up for Jill, Lanie, and himself, then makes his escape through a window that Hubbs breaks. As the duo sneaks away they see Officer Dean and the LAPD arrest Tack, the guzzlers, and Crump’s Brother. As Joe and Hubbs backtrack Jill stops him. She asks why he didn't for her. He replies: "I was working up to it." He kisses her and asks for her last name so he can look her up afterwards.

Cruising away Hubbs calls Joe a pussy for not "jumping on the grenade no more." After Joe tells him off and punches him Hubbs threatens back and calls Jill a fat ass. Joe, angrier than before, finally gets him in a headlock and tells him to take it back. Hubbs relents and Joe puts on "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Öyster Cult. As he drives away he sees the "huge gnarly eyeball" vanish in the rear view mirror.

Trivia

The producers initially titled it Tack's Chicks and then Teenage Wasteland, before settling on The Stoned Age.

In the original script, Joe Connolly was going to be a big fan of The Who; but due to legalities, Blue Öyster Cult was used instead.

Originally the script called for the guys to drink Colt 45. However, the Colt 45 company refused to allow it because they don't endorse under-age drinking. So the producers made up the brand Ox 45, and used it instead.Ox 45 is a parody of colt 45 and schlitz malt liquor in one.

William Shatner was going to make a cameo instead of Frankie Avalon, but Shatner had demanded a larger role if he were to be included.

At the end of the movie after the credits, Eric Bloom and Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser of Blue Öyster Cult are seen selling bootleg t-shirts in front of a store.

The Stöned Age was produced by David Heyman, who went on to produce the Harry Potter movies.

Hubbs and Tack both say Lanie looks like "the chick from the Virgin Killer album." That is a reference to the Virgin Killer record by the Scorpions which originally featured a naked blond girl on the cover.

The movie is filled with anachronism, which are probably unintentional. For instance at many points during the movie when the scene takes place near a busy road cars from the 1980s and 1990s are clearly visible. There is also a point in the movie where a sign for the crafts store Michaels, which didn't exist until 1984, is also clearly visible. There are also many other instances of things that didn't exist in the 1970s being clearly visible. This can probably be attributed to the films overall low budget.

Despite being titled The Stöned Age (Stoned is a euphemism for marijuana intoxication) marijuana plays an almost insignificant role in the film. It is only smoked once in the whole movie by Jill and Joe. Also the quality of the marijuana, which is referred to as "skank weed", and the way the characters smoke it, out of a beer can, is extremely low quality unorthodox making the title even more inappropriate.

The song "Burnin' for You" by Blue Öyster Cult is featured in the movie but was not realesed until 1981. The movie takes place in the 1970's.

Cast

Michael Kopelow - Joe Connolly
Bradford Tatum - Michael Hubbs
China Kantner - Jill Wajakawakawitz
Renee Griffin - Lanie (as Renee Ammann)
Clifton Collins Jr. - Tack (as Clifton Gonzalez Gonzalez)
Kevin Kilner - Officer Dean

Soundtrack

(Don't Fear) The Reaper performed by Blue Öyster Cult
Rock Candy performed by Montrose
Paranoid performed by Black Sabbath
Slow Ride performed by Foghat
In the Light performed by Led Zeppelin
Burnin' for You performed by Blue Öyster Cult
Flying Blind performed by Ivory Tower
Hocus Pocus performed by Focus
Cat Scratch Fever performed by Ted Nugent
Drivin' Wheel performed by Foghat
Travel in Style performed by Larry Owens
Get It On performed by T. Rex
Highway Star performed by Deep Purple
Country Fever performed by James Kalamasz and Alain Leroux
Play That Funky Music performed by Wild Cherry
Like to Do It performed by KC & The Sunshine Band
Disco Inferno performed by The Trammps
Do It (Til You're Satisfied) performed by B.T. Express
Disco Dance Fever performed by Simon Holland
Visit Bavaria performed by Ole Georg
Splendid performed by G. Benhamou
Also Sprach Zarathustra performed by The Hungarian State Orchestra

Quotes

Hubbs (to Joe): You're not playing that pussy shit in the Blue Torpedo man, I told you!

Joe: If it's B.O.C how can it be pussy?

Hubbs: Let me tell you something. Every good band puts out at least one pussy song so they can find out who the faggots are. Take it out!

Joe: Fuck you, man!

Hubbs: Fuck me? (puts Joe in a headlock)

Hubbs (to Joe): Ever since you got hit by that laser at that Blue Öyster Cult show you've been acting like a pussy! Why don't you take a little inventory, see what we got going for us.

Joe: It's all dusted except for the week old bean and potato burrito.

Hubbs: That's it? (slaps the moldy burrito and laughs)

Joe: We always got the crock. (holds peppermint Schnaps)

Hubbs Ahh, the Schnap'ster.

Joe: Shit makes me "hork."

Joe: (to Hubbs) What the fuck man? You wanna party with the Buffalo Chicks?

Hubbs: (sarcastically) Yeah, and I wanna pork their grandma's too. Maybe the know about some parties. (gets out of the Torpedo) What's up mamacitas?

Buffalo Chick #1: (eating hotdog) Just hangin'.

Hubbs: Where's the party?

Buffalo Chick #1: Guzzler's gotta case of Ox at Petrol Park.

Joe: (to Hubbs) What else is new?

Buffalo Chick #1: There's a kegger at Muldoon's parents place in P.V.

Joe: We don't want to party with those Palos Verdes queefies, man.

Buffalo Chick #1: It's a party.

Joe: Who's it gonna be, just you chicks?

Buffalo Chick #1: Yeah. We could play... submarine.

Hubbs: Actually, ladies we gotta haul ass!

Buffalo Chick #2: Where are you going?

Hubbs: Just cruisin' man.

Jill: This guy kinda reminds me of Mondo Man.

Lanie: Yeah kind of.

Joe: Hubbs who the fuck is Mondo Man?

Hubbs: Who the fuck cares, man?

Tack: Bring on the bitches!

(Lanie walks in)

Tack: Oh shit, I'm gonna scorch my shorts.

Lanie: Agents of Fortune is a total fuck album.

Joe: Why don't you fuckin' asswipes go back to Orange County.

Joe: Nothing happened, man. She didn't even give me head.

Jill's Dad: Where do you get your values? From that stinking heavy metal music you listen to day and night?

Joe: Yeah, that's it, man. It's all the music! You know everything is just fine until we just listen to a couple of heavy metal albums. Then we get all fucked up.

Hubbs (to Joe): You snooze you lose, pud.

Snot-Rag's Mother: Don't eat too many hot-dogs.

Tack: You'd rather watch the fuckin' Dicks of Hazzard instead of getting laid?

Snot-Rag: But its my favorite show.

Tack: I don't give a shit, I'm comin' over then.

Snot-Rag: No, Tack...! (Tack hangs up the phone)

Hubbs: Information without transportation equals dick.

Hubbs: If it wasn't for you and this fag me and Joe would be having a tittie-fest right now.

Joe: ...You Think a chick's going to go for it just because you got some Ox 45?

Mike Dick: Hey, these are Talls, man

Joe: I thought your brother got popped for thrashing on that Samoan guy; you know with his steel tipped boots.

Crump: No, Man. He got out last week; the guy lived

Tack: Fuck you, you fucking worm.

Disco Clerk (Taylor Negron) (to Joe): 151? Are you gonna party with the foxes tonight? If you wanna get them in the mood, make them move. Get a little bit a Annie Green Springs. Then, do the hustle, put a little insanity on your potato. Shake it man! (Joe dances in the aisle)

Officer Dean: You probably think I'm a real butthead. Don't you think I wanted to drink a bunch of beer / piss in somebodies pool / sneak into some girls house...when I was 17? Hell they used to call me dixie cup Dean / quick-dick Dean / doggie door Dean.