is a fictional used-car dealer played by Charlie Higson
, and also the title of a sitcom
in which he is the main character. Swiss Toni is a 50-something car dealer going through a midlife crisis. To Toni almost any situation in life is best understood as being "like making love to a beautiful woman", in some rather implausible ways. Swiss Toni is usually depicted wearing a grey suit and with his hair styled in a platinum-blond bouffant quiff.
The character was created by Charlie Higson and Bob Mortimer and originally introduced in the BBC comedy series The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer, but is best known as a recurring character in another BBC comedy series The Fast Show. Swiss Toni was later spun off into a sitcom, which developed both the character and his situation beyond the confines of the Fast Show sketches. The two series ran on BBC Three, the first three episodes of the first series also being repeated on BBC One. As well as playing the title character, Higson was the show's main writer and one of its producers.
- Being in a car crash - Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. Pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
- Washing a car - Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
- Laying a carpet - Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous, like me, you might like to try an underlay.
- Putting up a tent - Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip in to the old bag.
- Going fishing - Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
- Being in therapy - And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
- Making coffee - Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
- Checking a second hand car - Checking the details of a second-hand car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who's to say the fellow before you didn't give her a good spraying?
- Hanging wallpaper - Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
- Buying jewellery - Buying jewellery for a beautiful woman is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you check the size of her ring to make sure it will fit. Then you end up giving her a pearl necklace.
Although Swiss has also been seen to slip in his similes, with:
- Answering the Phone - Answering the phone, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You...pick up...the receiver...speak loudly and clearly...oh, and always state your name...(To himself) You're losing it Toni...