Black Mage, Fighter, Thief and Red Mage are the protagonists of the story, a dysfunctional group of supposedly predestined warriors who are supposed to save the world.
White Mage was originally a candidate to be one of the Light Warriors, but was rejected by the group in favor of Red Mage. She then made it her life's mission to help the Light Warriors save the world, and thus has followed them on the journey for most of the comic's history. White Mage specializes in casting healing spells, which has compensated for the sheer incompetence of the Light Warriors on multiple occasions. There is ongoing tension with Black Mage's lustful attraction to her, usually resulting in White Mage hitting him with her hammer, although she is attracted to his rarely emerging sensitive side and has healed his wounds out of devotion to her position as a healer. White Mage accidentally influenced the creation of the universe when Sarda sent her to a pocket universe, which was revealed to be the universe moments before its birth.
She often questions her purpose in the world since, despite her good intentions, all her actions seem to result in destruction and suffering. White Mage does not realize these results are exclusively the Light Warriors' fault and constantly blames herself, even going so far as to "turn evil" for a very brief period of time. However, the most evil acts she could bring herself to commit were calling Fighter dumb and kicking Red Mage in the shin.
Black Belt was an extremely skilled martial artist whose sense of orientation was all but non-existent. As a result, he was capable of defying the laws of physics by simply misunderstanding them, which rendered him capable of Münchhausenesque feats such as walking across a pit on a rope that had been untied at both ends. Black Belt was assigned to guard White Mage on her mission, but was later killed in the Light Warriors' battle with Kary, the Fiend of Fire.
Black Belt's teachers (who have color palettes identical to Ken and Ryu from the Street Fighter video game series) identify the fighting style they and Black Belt use as Wu Xia. Black Belt himself described the prevailing theory of his school as the credo that an opponent who is too broken to move is an opponent who is defeated.
Episode 622, "Now shut up, in which White Mage unsuccessfully revives a headless, petrified clone of Black Belt, closely resembles a method to revive Black Belt that was suggested multiple times on the Nuklear Power Forums.
Sarda is the self-proclaimed Wizard Who Did It (in reference to the common cop out, "a wizard did it" as an explanation for inconsistency and plot errors) due to his impulsive nature and sole occupant of the Circle Cave. He is an omnipotent wizard who, among other things, can reverse and stop time, as well as manipulate reality itself. He will readily do so out of sheer boredom or just to have others suffer. For example, humanity used to have 36-hour days, but Sarda reduced them to 24 just to make everyone hurry up. He never stops to think about the consequences of his actions, citing that he wouldn't be the Wizard Who Did It if he did. The Light Warriors harbor a strong dislike for Sarda, referring to him as a jackass on multiple occasions; however, they choose not to argue with him for fear he will "unmake [them] before [they] were born".
Sarda plays a much more vital role in the comic than in Final Fantasy, where a character named Sarda only serves to let the player explore one dungeon. In the comic Sarda drives the Light Warriors to recover the four Orbs, often using forceful means. His reasons for collecting the Orbs are not yet made clear, although a malevolent intention was implied when he received the fourth and final Orb. He is not concerned with the Light Warriors' chances of survival, repeatedly sending them on suicidal missions with the same shaky vessel of transportation, known as a "deathtrap." He holds a grudge against White Mage for accidentally taking away his role as the creator of the universe, as well as trapping him in the developing universe for billions of years, despite the fact that this was his fault for sending her to the beginning of the universe in the first place.
The Dark Warriors are major enemies the Light Warriors have defeated separately in the past who teamed up to take revenge. With the exception of Drizz'l, they are based on antagonists from the game; Drizz'l is the son of Astos, who is based on a game character.
Garland is the first major enemy faced by the Light Warriors and a former military leader of Corneria. Despite his best attempts to become an evil villain, he is a nice and caring person who enjoys cooking. He treated the Light Warriors more like guests rather than prisoners during their imprisonment in his castle and ended up having to be assisted by his prisoner, Princess Sara. After his first failed encounter with the Light Warriors, he formed the Dark Warriors and began a propaganda campaign against the Light Warriors. After some time as the Dark Warriors' leader, he has shown a more calculating side to him while retaining his friendly personality. Garland is continually wrestling with his fear of Forest Imps (the weakest creatures in the world) and has the ability to summon huge creatures, including a giant squid, a dinosaur and a really big marmoset; his original plan was even to summon Chaos himself. Garland was, at one point, visited by a dark god looking for an understudy to the Avatar of Evil, but the dark god quickly realized Garland was not what he was looking for and has since redirected his attention to Black Mage.
Bikke is an incompetent and dim-witted pirate captain and the second member of the Dark Warriors. He is known for his intense body odor and his tendency to speak in a clichéd pirate accent. Bikke managed to let his entire crew almost die from scurvy, due to the fact that he fed them nothing but Cheetos, which led directly to his defeat. Although he is a pirate captain, he cannot swim and, despite having two perfectly normal, functional hands, desires to be called "The Claw".
Drizz'l, a Dark Elf and the son of King Astos, is the third member of the Dark Warriors. His name, a parody of the name of Drizzt Do'Urden, roughly translates from Elven into "The Relentless Scourge." Drizz'l is a sword master equal to Fighter and controlled a pack of giant spiders before he was defeated by the Light Warriors in Marsh Cave. His sword skills are severely impacted by the fact that Fighter took away his swords after he was defeated, although Fighter eventually gave them back. Drizz'l considers himself the most intelligent of the Dark Warriors, although his inherent Elven arrogance often gets the better of him. He temporarily became the leader of the Dark Warriors before being usurped by Black Mage and forced to join the Light Warriors.
Vilbert, the son of Lich, is a vampire and the fourth member of the Dark Warriors. Prior to meeting the Light Warriors, Vilbert lived in the basement of his parents' house, where he indulged in his hobbies: writing clichéd goth poetry, live action role-playing and being misunderstood. Like any other vampire, he can only be killed with a wooden stake. In an attempt to kill him, the Light Warriors drove an armoire (the "Armoire of Invincibility") through most of his organs. He later recovered and joined the Dark Warriors.
First Appearance: Episode 523: The Doom That Came to Ice Cave
Sprite: Black Wizard (Final Fantasy, NES; modified)
The Cultists are a doom cult the Light Warriors have encountered twice so far. The true name of their cult is not mentioned, due to the fact that it "cannot be said or written without driving you mad." They dwell in extremely remote areas and worship ancient beings that are reminiscent of the ones found in H. P. Lovecraft stories. The Cultists induce new members by chopping their heads off and implanting the larva of an "Old One" in the body, where it matures, giving the Cultists the appearance of a humanoid being with long tentacles in the lower half of their faces. The Cultists thus resemble illithids or Mind Flayers, fictional monsters from the roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons who look similar and procreate in much the same way. The Cultists take pleasure in disturbing paraphilia (especially those that carry taboos). All of the Cultists have names that are pronounced similarly to female names, such as L'zlhe (Leslie), Lv'rn (Laverne), or Suh'zahne (Suzanne). All the Cultists have orange skin with grey robes, except the leader, Mrr'grt (Margret), who has lavender skin with purple robes.
The Light Warriors first encountered the Cultists in an Arctic cave, where they were trapped in another dimension by the cult's object of reverence, a monster called "the Eyestalk" by the Light Warriors. The group escaped this dimension and slaughtered the cult members.
The second encounter took place in the sunken Sea Shrine (how they returned is not explained, Red Mage says he is "pretty sure" the Light Warriors slaughtered the Cultists), where the reformed cult worshipped Ur, the third Fiend. They were again slaughtered, this time by Black Mage only, and the Light Warriors accidentally used their ancient "end of the world formula" to summon Ur by invoking his true name, Jnn'efur (Jennifer).
The Fiends are evil elemental beings, far stronger than regular monsters. They guard the orbs the four elements are tied to. All of the Fiends have done battle with the Light Warriors separately and violently attacked a single main character, usually removing them either temporarily or permanently. After their defeats, all the Fiends entered Hell one by one and gathered there.
In the Final Fantasy video game, the Fiends served as major bosses. They consisted of Lich (Earth), Kary/Marilith (Fire), Kraken (Water) and Tiamat (Air/Wind).
Lich is an undead, immortal wizard and self-proclaimed "Master Bonecraftsman" who believes all things live to die and that the dead exist to serve him. Lich confronted the Light Warriors after they defeated his son, Vilbert. He killed Black Mage by breaking his spine. Afterwards, he easily stopped multiple attempts by Fighter to kill him, as he had put his soul into the Earth Orb, rendering him immortal. Thief "stole" his soul out of the Earth Orb, the Light Warriors managed to get Lich's soul back into him and Black Mage, who emerged as the ruler of Hell, banished Lich to the underworld. However, Lich revived the minions of Hell, whom Black Mage had incapacitated by removing their spines, and ousted Black Mage from his position. Lich's departing words were "Death is but a door, time is but a window; I'll be back", a direct quote from Ghostbusters 2. Following this, Lich took Black Mage's place as the king of Hell and has since been seen greeting the other three Fiends there after their defeats.
Kary is a Fiend who enjoys indiscriminately killing people via combustion, feeling it's the only way to prove she's evil. However, she overdoes it and ends up killing all her minions with little, if any, provocation, to the point where by the time the Light Warriors infiltrate her lair, she has no minions left to defend herself. During her battle with the Light Warriors, she killed Black Belt. After Fighter held the six-armed Kary at bay using his newly-crafted Sword-Chucks, Red Mage managed to stuff her into a bag of holding and cast Ice-9 , an enormously powerful Ice spell which causes all thermodynamic activity in the universe to cease, into it (a reference to the Kurt Vonnegut novel Cat's Cradle). White Mage then shattered the frozen bag with her hammer, destroying the bag and all its contents, including Thief's collection of more riches than actually exist.
Ur, the Fiend of Water, is an ancient being worshiped by the Cultists that Fighter accidentally summoned by invoking his true name, Jnn'efur . It initially appeared as a large chaotic mass of sticky tentacles that engulfed Red Mage just before he could reveal the Fiend's weakness. While Thief stole the Orb of Water, Fighter attacked the being until it fell apart and Ur emerged as a separate tentacled, humanoid entity. Black Mage told Ur he was the one who summoned him and ordered him to first destroy Fighter and Thief, then carry on with his actual task, bringing about the Apocalypse. However, before Ur could begin, Red Mage cut him open from the inside and killed him, making Red Mage the first Fiend victim to not actually die, despite having his skeleton removed.
Ur represents the fiend Kraken from the video game. It is referred to exclusively as Ur in the comic, but Red Mage does note that Ur is "your basic Krakenoid". Black Mage's use of the name prompted Fighter to bounce it around against the inner walls of the Sea Shrine in further reference to the video game Arkanoid. The author, Brian Clevinger, notes that the Fiend can be referred to as either Ur or Kraken.
Muffin, the owner of both the Sky Castle and the Orb of Air, is a dragon who Dragoon considered his "pet parrot", having never seen a parrot before, and believing her lie about her species. Muffin had established the order of Dragon Knights ten thousand years ago in order to kill the other dragons, allowing her to take their powers, treasure, and knowledge. Afterward, she slaughtered the dragoons so they would not learn of her plot. When the Light Warriors learned of this and told Dragoon his "parrot" was a dragon, Muffin revealed her true intentions by betraying Dragoon and the Light Warriors and attempting to personally kill Thief. Thief became the second 'Fiend victim' to survive, despite suffering severe head and neck damage. When the Light Warriors attacked Muffin's Sky Castle, Dragoon killed her by spearing her through the head.
Muffin is the comic's version of Tiamat, the Fiend of Wind from Final Fantasy. While she is never directly referred to as Tiamat, Dragoon does indicate that Muffin may not be her real name.
First Appearance: Episode 245: Wheels Within Wheels
Sprite: Thief (Final Fantasy, NES), modified
Astos, originally a boss in the first Final Fantasy game, is the father of Drizz'l. He planned to drive Elfland into a civil war by overthrowing the currently ruling Elven clan, using the alias "Chancellor Usurper of Clan Sahn'ta" to get close to the king and Prince Elf (Thief). He had the king poisoned and put into a coma to this end.
In a stroke of luck, Thief and the Light Warriors overheard Astos dictating his plot to himself. The next day, the Light Warriors confronted Astos. They never got around to an epic battle, however, as Astos was killed by a bad pun from Black Mage ("Astos? Mo' like yo' ass IS toast!"). He turned out to carry both Matoya's Crystal Eye and the formula for an antidote for King Elf.
In the Castle of Ordeals, the Light Warriors were separated temporarily. During this time, each of them had to do battle with the worst flaw in their personality, each of them being one of the seven deadly sins, except for Black Mage's. Fighter had to contend with the personification of Sloth, while Red Mage had to deal with his Pride. Thief had to fight his Greed; however, due to interference from Fighter, Black Mage ended up fighting it, as well as his own Ordeal, which was a manifestation of all his atrocities. All the ordeals appeared as unnatural monsters, except for the ordeal Black Mage fought, who was a doppelgänger of Black Mage, as nothing else was evil enough to represent his sins.
After each of the Ordeals were defeated, the Light Warriors were reunited to fight the final Ordeal, a giant Zombie Dragon, to which Red Mage comments that "a giant Zombie Dragon has little relation to facing one's own inner struggles". It was defeated when Thief stole some of its vertebrae. As in Final Fantasy, defeating the Zombie Dragon earned the Light Warriors a Rat's Tail, which they later exchanged for a Class Change.
First Appearance: Episode 052: Meanwhile...
Sprites: Aria (modified) and Princess Sarah (both Final Fantasy III, Famicom)
The Princess of Corneria, daughter of King Steve and Queen Jane and the heir to the Cornerian throne, Princess Sara had already been kidnapped about six times by the time Garland got to her. Her rescue is the first mission that King Steve gives to the Light Warriors. Although she appears to be a respectable princess, Sara hides a calculating and bloodthirsty nature. For this reason, she used her time as Garland's "prisoner" to coach him into becoming a proper villain. After the Light Warriors "rescued" her, she has continued to show interest in evil, but has not taken any villainous action. At one point, she turned down an offer to take the fourth position in the then-forming Dark Warriors, declaring them hopeless. The vacant position was eventually occupied by Vilbert von Vampire. She has since usurped the rulership of the Kingdom from her clueless father, and runs the kingdom without his knowledge.
King Steve is the father of Princess Sara and de facto ruler of Corneria. He recruited the Light Warriors, requesting that they rescue his daughter, Sara, from Garland. Steve initially sent hundreds of "light warriors" on his errand, surmising that the chosen ones, being destined to save the world, would prevail and those who were not the chosen ones would die off; he was oblivious to the many deaths this would cause, and once informed was still dismissive of this fact. Steve is a capricious and entirely delusional despot with only a tenuous grip on reality who, among other things, has devastated his country in an attempt to drill for mana (a reference to FFVII's mining for materia), believed he was running for election against a length of string (ignoring the fact that Corneria is a monarchy) and made a coffee stain his right hand man ("Rodney"). After Sara was "rescued", he started spending his time making excuses to wage war on Elfland. Steve lost his position as King to Rodney in a game of poker, then to the aforementioned length of string. His "left hand man", Gary, tried to get it back for him, but ultimately, King Steve regained his position by "assassinating" the string (cutting it with scissors). Following the conclusion of the Sara kidnapping arc, Steve has not been involved in the main story, but he continues to make frequent appearances in the comic, his adventures often serving as a sideline to the main story.
Gary is King Steve's chief advisor, although the king's imaginary friend, Rodney the Coffee Stain, holds the title of "right-hand man". Along with Princess Sara, Gary is the usual foil to King Steve's antics. Most of his duties detail taking orders from King Steve, reminding him that he is a king (which King Steve often forgets), and otherwise advising him, although King Steve usually misunderstands or ignores him outright.
Dr. Swordopolis is the very incarnation of all things sword. He appears to Fighter in visions, taking the form of a bespectacled blade and bringing cryptic and oft-ignored advice. He has numerous powers, including spiritual possession through the anus and the ability to cut through the fabric of space-time. His origins and motivations are unknown.
Doctor Malpractice was the doctor consulted by King Astos to dispatch of Clan Khee'bler, starting with its king. However, upon discovering his father's "illness," Prince Elf (alias Thief) told Dr. Malpractice that he would secretly leave Elfland and travel the world, stealing treasures and sending them to the doctor to fund research on the disease. The doctor, taking the opportunity to get easy money, agreed and put the funds in his own pocket while, at the same time, receiving money from Chancellor Usurper to keep the king incapacitated. When Thief returned to Elfland, Malpractice's plan went to waste and he fled the Elven lands.
First Appearance: Episode 172: The Inhabitant of the Cave
Sprite: White Magic Seller (Final Fantasy, NES; recolored)
Matoya is a blind witch who sends the Light Warriors on a side-quest to regain her magic eye after feeding them poisoned nightmare-inducing cookies, promising them an antidote if they return with it. Due to her poor hearing, she also grants Fighter the Armoire of Invincibility, instead of the Armor of Invincibility Fighter was actually searching for (although Fighter did not seem to notice or care). She is almost as greedy as Thief and once almost tricked Thief into paying her the entire kingdom of Elfland in return for his father's cure. Matoya has a romantic relationship with Bahamut, the Dragon God-King, much to the disgust and horror of the Light Warriors.
The Other Warriors are a band of adventurers based on Dungeons & Dragons character classes who travel the world and occasionally meet the Light Warriors on their journey. They have stolen, or attempted to steal the Orb of Air from Dragoon for unknown reasons (though the Orb itself was in the possession of Muffin).
Generic Half-Elven Dual-Class Ranger
First Appearance: Episode 435: He's a Fighter, Not a Diplomat
Sprite: Bard (Final Fantasy III, Famicom)
Ranger is very poetic and adventurous, as well as extremely friendly and trusting, though a bit naïve. He is capable of firing multiple arrows at once with uncanny accuracy. Ranger is a dual-class character, with both classes being Ranger, and has mixed ancestry, making him half-Elven, one-quarter Lefeinish, and one-quarter half-Orcish (translating to one-eighth orc; the final eighth of his heritage has not been specified, but is presumed to be another kind of human based on Dungeons & Dragons rules).
First Appearance: Episode 437: Companion
Sprite: Viking (Final Fantasy III, Famicom), modified
Half of the time, Berserker is a civilized, gentle dwarf and a great conversationalist. The other half of the time he is in a blind rage, swearing and shouting incoherently while mauling whoever happens to stand nearby (usually Thief). In his civilized state, he tends to wear a monocle and often does not remember what he did in his berserk rage. The Light Warriors fear Beserker for his chaotic state, ignoring his civilized form.
First Appearance: Episode 446: "Stand Up Next to a Mountain..." (mentioned), Episode 577: So Many Warriors (actual)
Sprite: Summoner (Final Fantasy III, Famicom), modified
A "miracle shopper" who makes deals with the gods. In order to keep an open market, Cleric prefers not to devote himself to one single deity and is, in fact, an atheist. His use of divine intervention is often faulty and unreliable. Cleric made a deal with a Trickster God named Raven to bring Thief back to life; in return, Raven bestowed him with a "healing shiv", which has shown its worth in bringing Thief back from the very brink of death.
First Appearance: Episode 446: "Stand Up Next to a Mountain..." (mentioned), Episode 578: One More Look Into The Mind Of Fighter (actual)
Sprite: Thief (Final Fantasy III, Famicom)
Like Thief, Rogue is constantly scamming people, including his own teammates. However, unlike Thief, who conducts his business through contracts and legal loopholes, Rogue relies on a network of shady contacts, one of whom is Thief himself.
First Appearance: Episode 569: What Dragon?
Sprite: Bahamut (Final Fantasy III, Famicom), modified
Bahamut is the God-King of Dragons who was awakened by Black Mage, although Fighter was blamed for doing so. He offered to give the Light Warriors "the power of self-realization and the power that comes with it" in exchange for the tail of the dreaded Dire Rat. When the Light Warriors brought him such a tail from the Castle of Ordeals, he granted their Class Changes. It later turned out that the reason Bahamut desired a rat tail was that rat tail soup is a potent virility drug, to be concocted by his girlfriend, Matoya. According to Muffin, Bahamut will slumber until the prophecy of the Enlightened Warrior is fulfilled in order to usher in the end of the world. Red Mage thus suspects that in attempting to save the world, they may have accidentally endangered it.
Raven is a totemistic representation of trickery. When Thief was nearly killed by Berserker, Raven tricked Thief into thinking he was dead. At the brink of dying, Thief's soul was in his own personal Hell, in which everything was his and there was nothing left to steal. Thief said that he would do "anything" to get out of the personal Hell he was in; subsequently, Raven got Thief to sign a contract, which Thief failed to read closely. The nature of the contract is still unknown. Raven is friends with Bahamut.
One of the Dark Gods Black Mage worships and the one who made his class change effective. The Dark God's name, if any, has not been revealed, so Black Mage himself makes up the name "Darko, the Dark God of the Dark" in an attempt to convince his friends that he had really met a dark god. Darko appears to be involved in some sort of rivalry with Doctor Swordopolis, although the exact implications of this rivalry are still unclear. His official title is "Executive Assistant to Chaos", being one of many middle management deities in the organization of evil. Darko is known to work in the 'Ministry of Earthly Affairs'.
First Appearance: Episode 661: All Kinds of Hallucinations
Megahedron is a somewhat mysterious character. He is apparently a patron deity to Red Mage, like Dr. Swordopolis is to Fighter and the Dark God is to Black Mage, but Red Mage's flat-out refusal to believe he exists, citing him as a result of his "three-point hallucination flaw", complicates matters. He appears as a red twenty-sided die wearing aviator sunglasses.
First Appearance: Episode 787: Course change
Sprite: Dragoon (Final Fantasy III, Famicom), modified
Dragoon is the last of the Dragon Knights, an elite group of spear-carrying warriors who attack by jumping high in the air and coming down on their opponents. Dragoon uses this technique as a travel method, but is unable to perform these jumps without having a target. His usual target is Black Mage, although he does not harbour any ill will against the Light Warriors. In fact, he is extremely polite towards them, remaining oblivious to the considerable pain his travel method causes. Dragoon has encountered the team several times, mostly in passing. Like the Light Warriors, he was looking for the Air Orb that the Other Warriors seemingly stole from him and which he means to use to rebuild the Order of Dragon Knights. He has since been seen with White Mage and Onion Kid.
First Appearance: Episode 986: 1/64
Sprite: Warmech/Death Machine (Final Fantasy, NES)
Warmech is a robot and was the Sky Castle's guardian until it was blown up. He wants revenge on the Light Warriors for ridding him of his job, but his own incompetence prevents him from doing so.
In Final Fantasy, the Warmech/Death Machine was the strongest regular enemy and a precursor of later games' superbosses. The title of the episode in which he first appears refers to the chance of encountering one in a certain area of the Sky Castle/Flying Fortress dungeon.
First Appearance: Episode 041: It Just Got Weird in Survivor 8-bit Style Part 6
Sprite: Onion Knight (Final Fantasy III, Famicom)
A child who has been traumatized multiple times during the course of the comic. His original family, as well as three foster/adoptive families, have been killed and he has been kicked out of an orphanage, all as unintended side effects of other characters' (usually Black Mage's) actions. He himself has been placed on trial for the murder of his foster relatives, although he later moved to Onrac the same week it was destroyed twice.
First Appearance: Episode 087: A Day Late and a Buck Short
A party made up of a Knight, a Ninja, a Red Wizard and a White Wizard, upgraded character classes from Final Fantasy. These four warriors were supposed to be the real Light Warriors of Destiny, but the Light Warriors beat them to it when the real Light Warriors decided to postpone their visit to King Steve in order to improve their levels. Since then, they've always been several steps behind the heroes and often suffer great pain as a result of their actions.
First Appearance: Episode 144: Premature Upgrade?
Sprite: Thief (Final Fantasy, NES), modified
A shopkeeper and skillful scam artist, Akbar usually offers extremely badly disguised shoddy services. For example, a typical Akbar store would be named Akbar's Discount Amnesia Dust Outlet (not talcum powder). The name Akbar was taken from the character of the same name from the comic strip Life in Hell by Matt Groening, as was the name Jeff (see below).
First Appearance: Episode 157: Back in Corneria...
Sprite: Ranger (Final Fantasy III, Famicom; Messenger), Dragoon (Final Fantasy III, Famicom; Hank)
Elite Royal Guard Hank was ordered by King Steve to kill Messenger for bearing bad news, however, the king forgot to tell Hank he'd meant the order as a joke. Hank has been hunting the messenger, who occasionally can be seen delivering messages for King Steve, ever since.
The sprite that is used to portray the messenger is the one used during battles for the Hunter character class from Final Fantasy III for the Famicom while the sprite used to portray Elite Royal Guard Hank is the battle sprite for the Dragoon character class from Final Fantasy III.
First Appearance: Episode 260: More Dreadful than Marsh Cave?
Sprite: Ninja (Final Fantasy III, NES; heads), Scholar (Final Fantasy III, NES; bodies)
The Lawninja are Thief's team of lawyers who deploy at his will. Whenever they are summoned, a moon usually appears behind Thief. They eventually died after Thief did not feed them properly. However, they did manage to help in the battle with Lich, and Thief used their corpses as ammunition against Mob Boss.
First Appearance: Episode 315: The Lesser of Two Cons
Sprite: Underhill (Final Fantasy, NES)
A merchant similar to Akbar. However, Jeff is usually honest about his services, which, while being just as shoddy as Akbar's, are, in some manner, useful. Jeff sold the Light Warriors a deathtrap, an airship that is unusually honest about its nature. He has a tendency to kick Black Mage whenever he talks, something that earns him Thief and Red Mage's liking. Like Akbar, Jeff is named in reference to Matt Groening's Life in Hell.
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