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Milton Jones

Milton Jones (born 1964) is an British comedian, who won the Perrier comedy award for best newcomer in 1996. His jokes are mostly one-liners involving puns. He has had various shows on BBC Radio 4, at the beginning of which he is sometimes announced as ‘Britain’s funniest Milton’.

Jones was born and grew up in Kew, London and his father is from South Wales. He is married with three children and lives in Richmond, London.

Quotations

“I’d just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage gear and using crutches, who stole my wallet earlier: ‘you can hide, but you can’t run.’”
“When I was young my parents used to say to me: ‘To pay for your education, your father & I had to make a lot of sacrifices’. And it was true, ’cause they were both druids.”
“I don’t know about you, but I really hate sitting in traffic. ’Cause I always get run over.”
“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then onto a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They train for that.”
“The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.”
“As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.”
“When my grandfather became ill, my grandmother greased his back. After that, he went downhill very quickly.”
“My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times”
“I got arrested for playing chess in the street the other day. I said to the officer, "it's because I'm black, isn't it?"”
“Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.”
“The worst job I ever had was as a forensic pathologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.”
“A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example - I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!”

Radio Programmes

TV Work

28 Acts in 28 Minutes (BBC, 60 seconds of standup)
The Strangerers (Sky One)
The Comedy Store
The World Stands Up
Live at Jongleurs
Music Hall Meltdown (BBC, One-off variety program)

Other Appearances

Milton Jones regularly tours the country performing his stand-up act and his current tour is entitled "Caught in the Rabbit's Headlights" and can also be found at "The Comedy Store" regularly.